If you were to take a little journey throughout the domestic discipline blogging community and ask the writers of each blog who introduced/wanted the DD dynamic in their relationships, you’d likely find that the submissive partner is most often the initiator.  If you went a step beyond that and asked just those in the traditional dynamic of domestic discipline (male HoH, female submissive partner), you’d probably find an even higher percentage of those women were the initiators of domestic discipline.

  I (Clint) can’t speak as to why that is.  Not thoroughly, anyway.  I have a very good idea why, but I can’t say with 100% certainty because I’m not the submissive partner in my marriage.  I also was not the one to put the domestic discipline plan in motion for my relationship.  In the beginning, it was my wife (girlfriend at the time) that really pushed for us to give this lifestyle a chance.

  What I can say, however, is that a lot of women want this type of relationship.  How do I know that?  Well, because I’ve talked to a lot of domestic discipline couples in my day, and just about every one of the women I’ve asked this question to say they were the ones that wanted this lifestyle from the start.  Also, the majority of LDD readers are women.  For every one man that reads this blog, there are three women that do.

  Clearly some women want this lifestyle (and want to continue living it).  Why they want it may be an article for my wife to write sometime down the road, but, since I’m the head of the household in my marriage, I’m going to write about why a man would want domestic discipline.  More specifically, why I want domestic discipline in my marriage.

  I can’t speak for every male head of the household in a DD relationship (nor do I want to), so I’m going to write this from my own personal perspective/point of view.  I hope it’s obvious to readers by now that my wife and I are in a traditional domestic discipline marriage (male HoH, female submissive partner), but for those that may be visiting for the first time, that’s how our marriage works.  I’m the head of the house, my wife Chelsea is the submissive partner.

  So why do I want domestic discipline to continue being a part of my marriage?  There are a few reasons.

  The biggest reason I love having domestic discipline in my marriage is that it brings structure and organization to it.  “Flying by the seat of my pants” doesn’t work for me.  I need a plan.  I need organization.  I need clear expectations of both myself, and my wife.  It’s so much easier for me when things operate like that.  Spontaneity has it’s place and time, but I prefer to know what to expect in any given day/week/month.  I don’t like the chaos of an “unorganized” relationship (and I’ve had those before, prior to meeting my wife), and domestic discipline just settles all of that “noise” down for me.  So that’s number one.

  The second reason I want to continue living the domestic discipline lifestyle is because it provides a means to an end when it comes to disagreements or mistakes in my marriage.  If my wife and I have a disagreement, or if one of us breaks one of our rules, domestic discipline provides an “ending point” for us.  Negative tension in the air (I call it “funk” in the air, lol) doesn’t linger for days.  Nothing is left unresolved.  Nothing is given the time to “blow over.”  No mistakes are used as a weapons and held over either one of our heads.  We have options in domestic discipline, be them punishments or otherwise, to put issues like that behind us in a hurry.  I love that about this lifestyle.

  Third, domestic discipline keeps my wife and I communicating effectively, and it keeps that “spark” alive in our marriage.  I hear all the time about couples losing that “spark.”  They’ll be in the newlywed phase where that “spark” is alive and burning strong like a bonfire on steroids, then after a couple of years that raging bonfire fizzles into nothing more than a furnace pilot light.  That isn’t us.  I love my wife more now than I did 6+ years ago when we first started domestic discipline.  There’s nobody I’d rather be around than her.  And that’s all the time, not just some of the time.  She’s still my bestest buddy and always will be.  Domestic discipline keeps that bond, and that “spark”, as strong as ever for us.

  Fourth, it makes me a better man.  It definitely, without a doubt, does that for me.  Oh yes, I can just hear the naysayers now…

  “But Clint, you spank your wife!  What kind of a man would ever do such a thing?!  You’re the most horrible piece of human trash on this earth and I hope your wife leaves you and I hope you rot in prison and blah, blah, freakin’ blah!!  ABUSEEEE!!!!”  

  Yeah, I’ve heard all of that unoriginal nonsense from people before.  But domestic discipline does make me a better man, and here’s why:

• It basically forces me to take initiative and get things done.  Rather than sitting around, waiting for things to happen (like I used to do pre-DD), I make things happen instead.  In fact, things don’t happen unless I make sure they do.  Domestic discipline keeps that fire lit under my you-know-what to make sure things get done around here.

• It makes me appreciate my wife more.  I compliment her more often than I did pre-DD.  I thank her more often than I did pre-DD.  I acknowledge her hard work more often.  You get the idea.  I’m a better man, and husband, because domestic discipline puts more focus and attention on my marriage/wife.

• Domestic discipline gives me confidence.  I feel like a leader in my home.  I feel like my thoughts/opinions/choices matter.  I feel like I’m important.  I feel respected and loved.  My wife lives to make me and our kids happy.  All of those things give me the confidence I need to be a good man.  

• Domestic discipline makes me set a good example for my wife and kids.  This lifestyle forces me to see the faults in myself and correct them.  It just makes me a better person.  I don’t know how else to say it.  Being a better person makes me a better husband and father.  It makes me a better man.

  So there you go.  That’s why I want domestic discipline to continue being a part of my marriage.  There’s a candid look into why I live like this, and why I go to great lengths to help others start, or continue living, the domestic discipline lifestyle.  I can’t imagine my marriage without it.  I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.  I only wish Chels and I had started it sooner.

  Anyway, so why would a man want domestic discipline?  Well, I’ve given the reasons why I want it, but again, I can’t speak for every man.  I also can’t speak for male submissive partners.  That sounds like a good Saturday Stories idea, actually.  Any male submissive partners out there that want to share why they want to be a submissive partner in a domestic discipline relationship?  If so, shoot us an email. We’d be interested in reading that.

  I know domestic discipline isn’t for everyone.  I’ve said that so many times now that I’m downright tired of saying it.  But I’ve also said numerous times that this lifestyle does so much for a relationship if done correctly.  A lot of the points I made in this article are felt from actually living the lifestyle.  You just have to feel it and experience it for yourself.  That’s all there is to it.  I’m not trying to talk anyone into doing something they don’t want to do, but my goodness, it sure feels to me that you’re missing out on something special with your partner if you don’t so much as think about it, at the very least.  

– Clint

*** QUICK REMINDER *** – Our latest eBook, Transforming Your Relationship: A Comprehensive Look Into the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle, is NOW AVAILABLE for purchase through Kobo books!

© 2014 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Why Would a Man Want Domestic Discipline? appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

Domestic discipline relationships can fall off track, or become off balance, for a number of different reasons. Life events (having a baby, moving, family stresses, job changes just to name a few) are often the biggest reason, but other reasons can include inconsistency for extended periods of time or distance domestic discipline.

Regardless of the reason, getting back on track with domestic discipline can be challenging. In our book Consistently Inconsistent we identify several reasons that inconsistency can occur, and how to prevent it from happening, or dealing with it when it does. However, what we’re going to look at today is once the consistency is put back together, how do you go about jump starting domestic discipline again?

Below are five tips to help you get back on track.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s the answer I feel like we give to almost every domestic discipline situation, but it’s true. A large part of domestic discipline is about communication, and the same goes with jump starting domestic discipline again. Often times just sitting down with your partner and having a simple, “hey babe, I’d really like us to focus more on domestic discipline in our relationship” talk can do wonders. It lets your partner know you’re serious about this, it’s important to you, and you want it. You never know, he/she may be feeling the same way as well. Sometimes simply talking about it is all it takes.
2. Start from square one. Depending on how long your relationship has been off track, sometimes starting with the basics is the best way to go. With this approach, it requires couples to essentially start completely over with the rules, consequences, and wipe the slate clean. Make sure to identify which issues were present in your previous version of domestic discipline that you both feel made things more challenging for you both and try to leave those out with the new version. On the flip side, be sure to carry over anything that you did feel was helpful in making domestic discipline successful. With this approach, we find it is best to start a domestic discipline binder (more on this coming in the upcoming weeks!), and also dedicate a weekend afternoon (or something similar, whenever you have time) to sitting down and reworking it together.
3. Ease back in slowly. Be cautious not to jump back into domestic discipline full force, as often times what happens is it tends to fizzle out after a few days, or weeks. Ease in slowly to begin reincorporating domestic discipline. For example, if you previously had 15 rules, try starting with 4 or 5 and working your way up from there. The same goes with consequences. Just don’t be in a hurry to rush back into domestic discipline.
4. Identify what went wrong. This could maybe be considered step 2, actually (behind communicating) but it’s important to do at some point, regardless of when. Make sure the two of you sit down and look at what caused domestic discipline to get off track in the first place. Doing this will help to prevent it from occurring in the future, or allow you to devise a plan for if it does. This also goes hand in hand with communicating to your partner about what you feel caused it to fall off balance, and different ways it can be prevented. Just be cautious not to turn this into a “blame game” style of argument.
5. Consider boot camp. And finally, as a last resort, consider a version (either the beginner version, standard version, or one day version) of domestic discipline boot camp. Boot camp can be very beneficial in helping a couple to “reset” and get back on track with domestic discipline after an extended period away, and can help both couples to reaffirm their roles, and commitment to the lifestyle.

If your domestic discipline relationship has ever fallen off balance, we’d love to hear what methods you used to help get things back on track. Sharing what has worked for you may help other couples as well, so please don’t hesitate to do so.

We’ll see you tomorrow as we meet another one of our guest columnists, Rachel.

©2014 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post 5 Tips to Get Your Domestic Discipline Relationship Back on Track appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

  One thing domestic discipline couples often talk about is this lifestyle eliminating the “power struggle” in a relationship.  When the dynamic of domestic discipline is functioning correctly in a relationship, that’s precisely what it does — it eliminates the “power struggle.”  The head of the household is the one with the the final say or the ultimate “power”, and that “power” is exercised after taking into account the thoughts, opinions, wants, and needs of the submissive partner and the entire family.  When that’s how things operate, domestic discipline thrives and there is no “power struggle.”

  However, in domestic discipline, it’s difficult to get to that point if/when the submissive partner regularly challenges the HoH’s “power” in the relationship.  The submissive partner giving up their own “power” is challenging, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle, but it must be done for the lifestyle to yield the results that both partners are looking for.  The submissive partner has consented to giving the HoH the ultimate “power” in the relationship by agreeing to live this lifestyle, and challenging it contradicts that entire premise.  The problem is that, often times, the submissive partner doesn’t even realize they’re doing this.  

  Here’s a few easy questions for you — in a consensual domestic discipline relationship, which partner chooses the punishments and when/how to administer them?  Which partner has the ultimate authority in the home?  Which partner ultimately decides what to do, when to do it, and how to do it?

  Sure, the answer to all three of these questions is obvious enough — the head of the household.  That means that, even if the submissive partner feels something should be done about any given situation, or feels something should be handled a certain way, it’s the HoH who ultimately decides what to do and how to go about doing it — not the submissive partner.  

  Now here’s a little more difficult question for you — looking at your own relationship, is this how domestic discipline operates all the time within it?  Take the time to really think about the answer to that question.

  If so, things are likely going great for you both.  You’re likely content with where things are at and you and your partner rarely, if ever, have an argument.  If it doesn’t operate that way all the time, you and your partner probably get frustrated often, argue more than you’d like to, and regularly disagree on how successful domestic discipline is (or isn’t…) in your relationship.  Both of you may or may not understand why you’re struggling with DD.  

  Well, the reason you’re struggling (or not seeing the results you’d like to be seeing) is because the submissive partner is still trying to exercise their “power” in one or more areas of the relationship, and they’re having a difficult time letting go of it.  And, as we said, the submissive partner probably doesn’t even realize they’re doing this.  They’ve simply had this “power” for most of their adult life, and it’s natural for them to take the lead in this area of the relationship (or in this particular type of situation).  

  The problem with the submissive partner doing this is that it directly conflicts with how domestic discipline is supposed to operate and how domestic discipline brings stability and peace to a relationship.  Not to mention it probably irritates the HoH, which naturally leads to disagreements/arguments/conflict, particularly if it was the submissive partner who wanted the DD dynamic in the relationship to begin with.  That’s a “power struggle” — something domestic discipline is designed to eliminate from a relationship.  When the submissive partner does not defer to, or yield to, or “submit” to the HoH in all (or most) matters, turbulence in the relationship is the result.

  All of this is NOT to say that the submissive partner does not have the right to express their thoughts/opinions, or does not have the right to disagree with whatever their HoH decides.  Of course they do.  All of this is to say that it’s the HoH who has the ultimate “power” in the relationship, and when their “power” isn’t respected or is regularly challenged in some capacity, problems ensue.  We feel it’s important for both partners to think about or keep this in mind whenever either partner wonders why domestic discipline isn’t “working” in the relationship.  That’s all.  

  Not every decision the HoH makes will be the right one.  Not every decision the HoH makes will be the one the submissive partner would have made.  The HoH’s decision may very well be to do nothing about a particular issue or behavior as they don’t see it as a problem, or as an urgent/important matter.  Both partners will not prioritize every rule in the relationship the same.  Men and women are different and think differently about a lot of things (we won’t get into that ).  But, in a domestic discipline relationship, it’s the HoH’s role to make those choices and it’s the submissive partner’s role to support them.  

  If you ever have domestic discipline related turbulence in your relationship, chances are the problem can be traced back to this element of a “power struggle.”

The post The Domestic Discipline “Power Struggle” Is Real appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

Over the course of the 3 (almost 4!) years that Learning Domestic Discipline has been around we have covered many different challenges that couples face in the domestic discipline lifestyle. We’ve written on everything from inconsistency to what happens when either the HOH or the submissive partner is injured, how to go about domestic discipline in a long distance relationship, and domestic discipline while on vacation – and everything in between.

But today’s post is about a different kind of challenge within domestic discipline, or some might not even call it a challenge at all..more of a crossroads, or the big question of “where do we go from here?”

If you’re brand new to domestic discipline, you may be experiencing the feeling of “okay, we’ve both agreed to start domestic discipline, but now what? What is supposed to happen now? Where do we go from here?” This is a question we get asked from time to time, and we can understand why. It can be tricky to try to navigate the next steps, and can often leave a couple wondering what is supposed to happen next.

You might already know this, but we think it’s important to point out that domestic discipline is not all about punishments. A lot of times a couple gets very hung up on the punishment aspect, wondering if they’re just supposed to sit around until a rule is broken to actually begin practicing domestic discipline, but that’s not the case. You can begin practicing domestic discipline right away, as soon as both parties are on board, and here’s how.

1. Begin to “fall into” your roles. If you’re the HOH, start exercising more authority over areas of your relationship that you feel need improvement, or could be strengthened. If you’re the submissive partner, begin to let go of some of the control you’ve been holding that may have been contributing to the power struggle within your relationship. Then, simply ask yourself or your HOH the question “what makes a good submissive partner?” and begin to include some of those traits into your day to day life. That may be something like making your HOH dinner in the evenings, or something like supporting the decisions your HOH makes without arguing. Keep in mind that it’s important to ease into your roles and set realistic expectations for both you, and your partner.

2. Create a rules list. If you haven’t already done so, this is a crucial step in a domestic discipline relationship. Creating a rules list sets the foundation and creates boundaries within your relationship, and also gives the HOH a better idea of what to punish for when broken, or what to reward for when not. It also gives the submissive partner an idea of where the lines are drawn, and what is and is not going to be tolerated. We recommend sitting down together to make a rules list, but with the HOH having the “final say” on the rules and the prioritization of them.

3. Talk about important domestic discipline topics to figure out where each other stands on them. What types of punishments will be included, or allowed? If you’ll be including spanking as a punishment, will it be over or under the clothing and with what (if any) implements? Are things such as corner time and bedroom time okay, or will they not be used? How will you handle rules that might be broken in public, or when guests are over? If you have children, how do you plan on practicing domestic discipline in a way that they will not notice? This is also a good time to create a plan to prevent inconsistency. Being on the same page about these topics will help domestic discipline to go smoother.

4. Consider a beginner domestic discipline boot camp. A lot of beginner couples choose to start their domestic discipline relationship out with beginner boot camp right from the get go. The reason is because the beginner boot camp is designed to really help cement the foundation of your domestic discipline relationship, and also to allow you to go through disciplinary situations before a rule is broken. This helps both parties to get familiar with, and comfortable with certain components like spanking, corner time, lecturing, and more, as well as better acclimate to their roles. It also contains a variety of different homework assignments which are designed to build your domestic discipline foundation.

5. Get involved. One of the biggest challenges that beginners to the lifestyle face is the feeling of being alone, or not having any support in the lifestyle since many do not tell their friends and family right off the bat. Getting involved in the domestic discipline community is a great way to get advice, make friends to help you along this journey, and ask questions. We offer a number of ways to get involved here at Learning Domestic Discipline:

• Join the Learning Domestic Discipline Network. The network offers chat nights (3 per week, one for couples, one for HOH’s and one for submissive partners) as well as different groups you can join, and more.
• Join the Learning Domestic Discipline Forums. The forums, which recently turned 2 years old, are a great way to meet domestic discipline couples from all walks of life, and from all over the world. Our forum members are awesome at giving advice, or just being someone to listen to when you’re going through a struggle.
• Consider attending the LDD Beginners Retreat. The beginners retreat is being held in March of 2015, but registration opens tomorrow morning at 10:00 AM! This years beginners retreat is workshop-style retreat which will give you and your partner the chance to attend a variety of different domestic discipline workshops on common beginner questions, issues and topics, as well as the chance to meet other couples who are new to domestic discipline. You can find out more on the official 2015 LDD Beginner’s Retreat website.
• Drop us an email. We love meeting new domestic discipline couples and are happy to answer any questions you might have as you navigate this lifestyle.

If you’re new to domestic discipline and wondering where to go from here, we hope these 5 tips help to give you a starting point as to where to go next.

We hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! See you tomorrow.

The post The “What’s Next” Phase – You’re Doing Domestic Discipline, Now What? appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

  A common theme we’ve noticed recently (mostly in emails) is that the default punishment to a negative action or behavior seems to be everyone’s favorite domestic discipline punishment — a spanking.  It appears, at least to us through our interactions with fellow DD couples, that a number of HoHs automatically administer a spanking anytime a rule is broken.  While spanking is highly effective most of the time, it can actually hinder the growth and progress of behavior correction and the relationship if used excessively.

  There’s no question spanking is the fastest and most convenient way to hold the submissive partner accountable.  Spanking only takes a few minutes (generally), it is an immediate and effective consequence to a behavior, and, provided the submissive partner is cooperative, it’s relatively easy to administer.  There are certainly many “pros” to punishment spankings, which is why it’s so easy for an HoH to default to “spankings only” mode whenever problematic behavior arises.

  The problem with spanking for every infraction is that, over time, spanking will become less and less effective.  If the submissive partner is spanked for every mistake they make, big or small, a helpless mentality will develop in them.  In the psychology world this phenomenon is known as “learned helplessness.”

  In the context of domestic discipline, “learned helplessness” basically means that no matter what the submissive partner does wrong, regardless of how serious it is, they know a spanking will be the consequence.  They have learned that a spanking is going to happen no matter what rule they break.  So, “learning” that they’re helpless to that reality over time results in a, “Why try so hard to follow the rules?  What difference does it make?” mentality developing in the submissive partner.  If that mentality develops, problematic behaviors will never get corrected and spankings will happen more and more frequently.  That wouldn’t be good.

“I’m going to get spanked anyway, so forget it — I’m going to do whatever I want.” 

“I’m already late, which means I’m going to be spanked, so I may as well stay out for another hour or two now.”

  These are just a couple of examples of the kind of mentality that can and will develop if spanking is literally the only consequence.  It creates more and more problems in the relationship.

  The good news is that preventing “learned helplessness” (in the context of DD) is simple: use a number of different punishments.  Don’t spank for everything.  Yes, varying the intensity of the spankings will help lessen the likelihood of “learned helplessness” developing, but it won’t completely prevent it.  A variety of punishments need to be used, based on the seriousness of the offenses, so spanking isn’t the only consequence to every infraction.

  As head of the household, the first step is to essentially create a scale of punishments, based on their seriousness/effectiveness/intensity.  In the scale, the only concrete recommendation is that spanking is the ultimate and most serious punishment (more on that later).  As with everything else in domestic discipline, it’s important the scale be “tailor made” for your own personal relationship.

Here’s an example:

1. Corner Time
2. Bedroom Time
3. Line Writing
4. Privilege Removal
5. Essay Writing
6. Spanking

  As you can see, for this particular couple corner time is the mildest punishment while spanking is the most severe.  Scales can be written down or mentally noted — it doesn’t matter as long as there is a number of specific consequences that are acceptable, understood, and consented to by both partners.

  Once the scale is determined, the HoH then reserves the right to punish accordingly.  What infractions are considered minor and what infractions are considered major?  Correlate the seriousness of the infraction with the punishment scale.  Perhaps a negative attitude warrants bedroom time.  Perhaps going over budget warrants an essay to be written.  Perhaps leaving the house door unlocked all night warrants a spanking.  Those type of things are determined by each specific HoH, but those examples illustrate the importance of having different consequences for different infractions based on how serious those infractions are.

  It’s also important and worth noting that the punishments can (and should) be intensified based on cooperation level and results.  Meaning, if bedroom time didn’t help a negative attitude, the punishment can (and should) be escalated into something more severe.  That sort of thing.

  Again, the scale above is just an example and shouldn’t necessarily be used verbatim for your own relationship.  The example scale more than likely doesn’t reflect how you and your partner feel about each specific punishment, either.  Every couple is different, every submissive partner responds differently to certain punishments, and every HoH will administer them differently (which impacts their success).  So, like always, adjust it according to your own relationship.

  Finally, as mentioned before, spankings are recommended to be the most severe punishments.  Spankings need to be regarded as the ultimate, most intense, and the absolute “worst” punishments to receive.  That way the submissive partner will mentally relate spankings with things that absolutely positively cannot happen again, which will make spanking extremely effective.

  It’s not easy, as an HoH, to administer alternate punishments when spanking is so convenient.  It’s also difficult to administer a punishment when more “work” is required of the HoH (like making sure the submissive partner doesn’t use a removed privilege, for example).  However, it’s important a variety of punishments be used so “learned helplessness” doesn’t develop in the submissive partner, and so that spankings remain as effective as they’re intended to be.

The post Choosing Appropriate Punishments appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

Let’s face it – domestic discipline can be overwhelming. On the surface it may seem simple, but the further you dive into the more you realize that there is more information to know than you originally thought. We receive quite a few questions from readers that have to do deal with the topic of how to get their partner to read and research domestic discipline similarly to how they have. The reasons for a partner wanting their other half to read up on domestic discipline can vary, but the most common reason that we see is when one partner (usually the submissive) has identified a problem within their domestic discipline dynamic (example: inconsistency) and they want their partner (usually the HOH) to take charge and research/read up on how to fix it without the submissive partner having to essentially guide them along the way. This is just one example of many, but it is a dilemma that domestic discipline couples often face. So, we have put together the suggestions below to hopefully help those facing a similar struggle.

1. Simplify the information. This is something that we’ve tried to do here on the blog for you, but it becomes challenging when there is so much for us to cover. One thing we have found though is that a lot of times the amount of information can become overwhelming to people (especially HOH’s, for some reason). Therefore, we recommend you simplify the information down (think of it like taking notes on the entries that you want your partner to read) and then give the “watered down version” to your partner. Often times reading a few bullet points of information is easier for them than reading 15 blog entries on one topic.
2. Deal with one topic at a time. Identify what exactly it is that you’d like your partner to learn about domestic discipline (for example: the topic of beginning domestic discipline is really broad, but something like setting a rule list is more specific and easier to jot down information on) and then simplify the information (using the tips above) based on that specific topic. Then, once your partner has read over those few bits of information on that topic, move onto the next one.
3. Identify the reasoning. As we often say, it is significantly easier to solve a problem if you’re able to identify why it is occurring. Sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what it is, specifically, that is causing them to not want to read up on domestic discipline. This could be something simple, such as they just didn’t realize it was important to you and vow to make more of an effort, or it could be something such as they don’t have a lot of time, they don’t know where to go to look for the information, they feel they already know the information, or they just simply don’t want to. Whatever the reasoning, after you identify it is it easier to find a solution.
4. Consider podcasts. If reading just isn’t an option (even if it is small bits of information here and there) then some people find it helpful to listen to our podcasts instead. These can easily be downloaded onto your smart phone, mp3 player, or burnt onto a disc to listen to in the car. You can also play them directly from your laptop. We currently offer podcasts on a variety of different domestic discipline issues, and are adding more several times a year. You can view our current list of podcasts by clicking here. Note: All podcasts are free to download.
5. Have a conversation instead. This isn’t the preferred option for a lot of people, but sometimes if your partner refuses other options and there is information that you really want them to know you’ll have to sit down and have a conversation with them instead of going the “reading route”. With this option, we recommend researching the topic that you’re wanting your partner to read and accomplishing step 1 on the list (simplifying the information) and then sitting down with him/her and going over the information verbally. It isn’t an ideal option for a lot of people because they want their partner to take the initiative and read/research on their own, but it is an option to get them to hear the information you want them to know. Besides, some people are auditory learners and do better hearing the information (whether from you, a podcast, video, etc.) anyway.
6. Don’t force the issue. One point that we always make sure to recommend is that you don’t force the issue upon your partner. Continually harping on the question of, “why won’t you read up on how to fix this problem we’re having!?” and badgering them about it is never helpful, and can cause him/her to withdraw and become inconsistent (if not already). We also tend to not recommend the option of randomly leaving information around the house for him/her to read as we feel it is another way of badgering or forcing your partner into receiving information that they may not want, nor may not be ready for. Make it a point to make sure they learn the information on their terms so that it really sticks.

As you might have noticed, almost all of the above solutions do take quite a bit of work on your part. Hey, no one said domestic discipline was easy! But, we’re confident that if you try one or more of the above methods that your partner will, eventually, begin to hear the information you want them to, read it, or receive it in some fashion which will create a happier domestic discipline atmosphere for you both. There’s no doubt it can be frustrating to a couple when it feels like one member is doing all of the “work”, but hang in there – it does get easier and you’re definitely not alone. This is an issue that a lot of domestic discipline couples seem to struggle with, and are able to overcome with a little more work than usual, and a lot of patience.

Good luck!

The post When Your Partner Won’t Read About Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

I’ll admit right off the bat that when I first heard of the concept of a submissive journal I wasn’t thrilled. It seemed too ritualistic-like (for lack of a better word) and it seemed like something that HOH’s used to force on their submissive partners (example: you must write in your journal after every punishment) which I highly disagreed with. Needless to say, I wasn’t a fan.

But the more I looked into the idea, the more okay with it I became. I started looking at the concept of submissive journals more as a way to help the submissive partner and less as a ritualistic punishment, and I started to see the benefits. I’ve also talked to several who keep a journal (by their own personal choice, not their HOH’s) and after they let me know of some of the results they experienced I was beginning to become more on board with the idea.

So, first let’s start with what is a submissive journal anyway? By my definition, a submissive journal is a creative outlet that a submissive partner uses to record thoughts, ideas, and general statements surrounding submission, domestic discipline, and/or whatever she/he wants. Most commonly the journal is kept as a standard paper journal (and, for the record, there are some really cute ones that you can buy around the web that aren’t dedicated as submissive journals but could easily be made into one) but I’ve also heard of people creating a private blog that either only them, or only them and their HOH can view and using that as their journal.

How often you write in your journal is completely up to you. A lot of people choose to write in them after each punishment, while others only do so when they feel the urge.

Below are some of the benefits of a submissive journal:

• Provides for an emotional release and a way to get your feelings out in a non-judgmental environment
• Allows the HOH to get a better insight into the submissive partners mind, what she/he feels and thinks and how effective domestic discipline is
• Gives the submissive partner a way to look back on past punishments, incidents, and transgressions to learn the lessons behind each of them, and/or remember the point of each punishment
• Gives both the submissive partner and the HOH a way to track their domestic discipline progress and identify what areas they need to improve upon

These are just a few of the many benefits but if you have a different experience or benefit that submissive journals has provided you I would love for you to share it in the comments below.

It’s important to note that submissive journals are meant to be different than the concept of punishment journals, although some submissive partners choose to use them interchangeably with great results.

If you’re interested in beginning a submissive journal I’ve included a few tips below to help you get started.

• Choose the format. As I mentioned above, there are two types of journal formats – paper and electronic. There are pros and cons to each, so choose the one that is easiest for you. With electronic formats, I recommend making the blog private (or using a non-blog type platform such as Evernote).
• Discuss the journal with your HOH. This doesn’t necessarily mean the journal needs to be shared with him, unless you want it to be, but I feel he should be included in the decision to begin one and/or at least know that it exists.
• Decide what type of content. Is the journal going to be used more for getting your thoughts out/an emotional release, a punishment journal or a mix of both?
• Decide on the frequency. Some people choose to write every Sunday in their journal as a way to recap the week and get any thoughts out in the open before the following week begins, while others choose to only write in theirs after a punishment or when the mood strikes.

Remember, there’s no right or wrong answer on any of the above decisions. They’re just simply things to think about and choices to make as you begin your new journal.

One of the biggest challenges people face is what to write about in their journals. One would think topic ideas would come naturally and a person could just write down whatever is on their mind at the time (which is, after all, somewhat of the point of the journal in the first place) but it isn’t always that easy. Below is a list of 25 journal “starter topics” I’ve came up with that you can use as prompts to begin your new journal.

1. Since beginning domestic discipline what do you feel has been the greatest reward?
2. Since beginning domestic discipline what do you feel has been the greatest challenge?
3. One thing I feel I could improve upon when it comes to submission is…
4. One thing I wish my HOH would do more of is…
5. If I had to tell one person about domestic discipline I would tell…
6. Being a submissive wife has taught me…
7. Discuss your most recent punishment and what you learned from it…
8. I feel like our domestic discipline dynamic has changed over the past year in the following ways…
9. My personal feelings on the word “sir” are…
10. Do you feel submission is taught, or learned, and why?
11. What is one quality that you feel your HOH could improve upon?
12. One way I plan to be more submissive in the next month is…
13. What are your wants and needs when it comes to domestic discipline, dominance and submission, and your relationship as a whole?
14. Discuss one rule that you have that you feel is unnecessary or needs revised.
15. My thoughts on maintenance spankings are…
16. Describe a time when you were most proud of yourself for being a submissive partner.
17. What are 6 words that you would use to describe yourself?
18. What are 6 words that you would use to describe your HOH?
19. What are 6 words that you would use to describe your relationship and/or your domestic discipline dynamic?
20. Write a letter to your HOH (it’s up to you whether you choose to share the letter with him or not)
21. How has being a submissive partner changed your perception on society?
22. Where do you see yourself in one year?
23. What does submission mean to you?
24. What advice would you give to fellow submissive partners?
25. One thing that surprised me the most about being a submissive partner was…

Having a submissive journal is, by no means, a requirement for a successful domestic discipline relationship and it’s important that the choice to begin one is yours, not anyone else’s. If you’ve chosen to start a submissive journal, what are some of the benefits you’ve experienced?

We’ll see you tomorrow!

-Chelsea

The post {Submissive Saturday} Starting a Submissive Journal appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline: The Blog.

On Saturday, Chelsea wrote about five different types of submissive partners in her Submissive Saturday series.  At the end of her post, she mentioned how she was going to discuss the types of HoHs in her next Submissive Saturday post, but we’ve decided to bump that article up to today.  We felt is was more appropriate to write it as a Wednesday post as opposed to a Submissive Saturday post.  It also made more sense to have me (Clint) write this one, rather than her, since it’s about HoHs.  So here we are.

There are a lot of responsibilities that come with holding the title of “head of the household”, or HoH, in a domestic discipline relationship.  Having an authoritative presence is certainly helpful, but there’s a lot more to being an HoH than simply being a disciplinarian/authority figure in the home.  It requires leadership skills, decision making skills and communication skills, as well as the ability to outwardly exhibit rational self-control and the ability to stabilize emotional situations.

Being the HoH also requires a “soft side” that isn’t often talked about in domestic discipline circles.  The HoH of the family needs to be the pillar of strength/support whenever something goes wrong, or whenever someone in the family is going through a difficult time.  The HoH need to be the one everyone in the family turns to when things get rough, and/or when they don’t know what to do and are in need of direction.  I hate to sound like Dr. Phil here, but “HoH” isn’t just a title, it’s also a verb.  “HoHing” requires a lot from a person, and it isn’t an easy job.

Of course, there isn’t one set universal way to HoH a relationship/family.  There are a number of ways an individual can HoH a relationship/family, and each of those ways offer varying degrees of success in the lifestyle.  There are ways we recommend HoHing (more on that later), but what it ultimately boils down to is what you and your partner want to get out of domestic discipline.

In Chelsea’s post she identified five types of submissive partners, however when it comes to HoHs, I distinctly identify four different types of them.  Chances are you (or your HoH) fit into one of the following four types.

The types of HoH I identify are as follows:

Type 1: The No Nonsense HoH.  The No Nonsense HoH does things very much “by the book” all the time.  There are very clear rules and boundaries in place and a very strict “no tolerance” policy when it comes to enforcing them.  This HoH is essentially in “boot camp mode” all the time, everyday.  They rarely take outside factors into consideration, meaning that if a rule is broken then a punishment is forthcoming no matter what the “excuse” is.  Period.  I’m not saying the No Nonsense HoH doesn’t have a “soft side”, but it very rarely comes out.  The No Nonsense HoH is not messing around.

Type 2: The Adaptive HoH.  The Adaptive HoH is strict in enforcing their clear list of rules and boundaries, but they do take circumstances into consideration (examples: illness causes a bad attitude, they use different consequences when pregnant or when the submissive partner is ill, etc.).  The Adaptive HoH is a good leader, but can be manipulated at times by the submissive partner due to over-thinking or over-analyzing situations.  They do have a very concrete list of “no tolerance” rules regardless of the circumstances, but other less important rules aren’t always a high priority.  The Adaptive HoH has just enough “soft side” to be strong and supportive, but not so much of one that they’re a complete pushover.

Type 3: The Lenient HoH.  The Lenient HoH has a very strong desire to lead their relationship/family, but they are very relaxed in enforcing their rules.  If an infraction doesn’t fall into one of their core “major” rules, the infraction often goes unpunished.  The Lenient HoH is easily manipulated by the submissive partner, and is usually oblivious to the manipulation.  The Lenient HoH often falls victim to the “Good Guy Syndrome”, in which they’re overly eager to please their submissive partner and their “soft side” wins out more often than not.  They don’t ever want to be the “bad guy.”  They’re very understanding and supportive…to a fault.  They will punish if something major happens, but even they would likely tell you they’re a bit of a pushover.

Type 4: The Reverse HoH.  The Reverse HoH has a desire to lead the family and THINKS they’re the one calling the shots, but in reality it’s the submissive partner who is running the show.  The Reverse HoH puts far too much stock into the submissive partner’s feedback.  The Reverse HoH lives in “soft side” mode the majority of the time and struggles with making clear, definitive decisions.  They’re often more concerned with making their partner happy than doing what’s best for them (which yields all control to the submissive partner).  They punish because they feel that’s what they’re supposed to do rather than feeling it’s what they need to do.  The Reverse HoH is a great person with great intentions, but they don’t quite have what it takes to be an effective HoH in a domestic discipline relationship.

As mentioned before, all four types of HoHs will offer the relationship/family some degree of success in the domestic discipline lifestyle.  Depending on what a couple wants, they may be perfectly content with whatever type their HoH currently falls into.  However, if something is lacking/missing in your domestic discipline, your HoH may want to put a plan in place to become whichever of the four HoH types they aspire to be.

We recommend, for best overall success in the domestic discipline lifestyle, an HoH fall somewhere in the type 1 to type 2 range of HoH (with a slight lean towards type 1).  It’s important that an HoH not be an overbearing jerk with unachievable expectations, however it’s equally important that an HoH not be complete pushover who allows their partner to manipulate their decisions (or run the show entirely).

Holding firm with decisions is a key component to being a successful HoH.  An HoH needs to always think about the bigger picture and the greater good when determining what course of action to take.  The correct and/or best decision isn’t always the easy one.  The best decision is not always the one that will make everyone (especially the submissive partner) the most happy.  That isn’t what HoHing is about, and the HoHs that are best at “putting their foot down” are the ones that experience the most success in the lifestyle.

So, which type of HoH are you (or what type of HoH is your partner)?  Are you happy with how things are currently operating?  If not, communicate with your partner and work together in making changes that will get your HoH to where you both ultimately want them to be.

— Clint

The post The Four Types of HOHs – Learning Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Over the years we’ve talked about a lot of the different facets of beginning the lifestyle, and a lot of the positives and negatives to doing so. We’re covered why people would want to include something like domestic discipline into their relationships, and what type of behaviors it is great at fixing/eliminating.

However, one thing that we realized we haven’t covered is when domestic discipline may not be a good idea. Truth be told, domestic discipline is not a lifestyle for everyone.

We’ve had the privilege over the years of getting to know so many domestic discipline couples who come to us with a variety of different challenges, questions, and things that they need advice on. That’s one of our favorite parts of Learning Domestic Discipline, if not the best part – getting to know other couples, and helping them navigate this often complicated and confusing journey. But, one thing we’ve learned in the years of doing this is that there are just simply some behavior traits, personality traits, or lifestyle choices that make practicing domestic discipline very, very difficult, dangerous, or even toxic.

We think it’s important to go over these as realistically as possible so that people don’t misunderstand what the lifestyle is all about, who it is best intended for, and the dangers of practicing the lifestyle if any of the below behaviors are present. This research is gathered from our own opinions, observations of helping others with these circumstances, common sense, as well as case studies of what could happen when domestic discipline is practiced under the below circumstances.

1. Alcohol or drug use. If alcohol or illegal drugs is present with either party, domestic discipline should not be used. By alcohol we aren’t talking about having a glass of wine with dinner every now and again, so please don’t misunderstand. What we’re talking about here is alcohol dependency, or alcoholism. It’s no secret that alcohol and drugs can impair a persons thinking, behavior and mindset. Mix that with domestic discipline and the results could be catastrophic. Similarly to how we always recommend the HOH be calm, collected and in control of themselves before administering a punishment or making decisions, we also strongly recommend that the HOH be in the correct frame of mind (i.e. sober) to make such decisions, or administer consequences. It can also cause either partner to not grasp the full intention or reason for the punishment or feel the punishment as it is meant if they are not sober.
2. Anger issues or domestic violence issues. Even if a couple opts not to use spanking as a consequence, we still feel it is important that domestic discipline never be practiced if there is a history of either party having domestic violence or anger issues. These would be things like uncontrolled anger, assaulting the other person (verbally, physically or sexually), etc. Some people have asked us before if it is still okay if the partner has went through counseling and or/rehabilitation for anger or domestic violence and has changed since then. Our best advice, in that circumstance, is to proceed with extreme caution, but even then, we still likely wouldn’t recommend domestic discipline. It is a risk to both parties involved.
3. Emotional instability and/or mental health issues. Similar to what we’ve stated above, both parties need to be in a clear frame of mind when practicing domestic discipline. Mental health issues (such as extreme depression, bi-polar, schizophrenia, etc.) can complicate domestic discipline because they cause the person to not be in the correct mindset, and can present dangers to both themselves and their partner. Similar to mental health issues, emotional instability issues (such as trauma, frequent “breakdowns”, running off, acting childish, cutting/self-harm and more) can lead to all sorts of problems with the lifestyle as well, including covering up the bigger issue (the reason for the emotional instability) with domestic discipline. These types of behaviors can also lead to a dangerous environment for both parties, as well as an unstable relationship that domestic discipline simply will not be able to solve. It can also create emotional connections and domestic discipline growth that is short lived, and not necessarily genuine.
4. Eating disorders and other psychological disorders. Using domestic discipline for eating disorders is something that has been brought up frequently in the past. Using domestic discipline to correct psychological disorders can be a dangerous idea for many reasons. Similar to what we stated above, often times domestic discipline is used as a “way out” to fix these problems that really should be corrected with intense therapy. Domestic discipline in these situations is used to often mask the much bigger problem, which is why the partner has these psychological disorders in the first place. Using domestic discipline to correct something like this will likely lead to short-term results. Another problem with this is secrecy tends to surround eating disorders, and the partner is unlikely (especially at the beginning) to be honest with their partner about things such as purging, skipping meals, etc. which can lead to trust issues. Furthermore, eating disorders are typically tied to self-image issues which is something that discipline cannot correct and can, instead, make worse.
5. Trust issues. Speaking of trust issues, that brings us to our next point – using domestic discipline when there is a severe lack of trust between one or both parties. Trust is crucial in a domestic discipline relationship. When that fails, or when it was never fully present in the first place, it can create results such as one partner falsely accusing the other of things that didn’t occur. It can also lead to false expectations around the domestic discipline lifestyle, and one partner (or both) sometimes feeling like they “aren’t good enough” because inconsistency is blamed for every falling out, or minor issue that the couple has with domestic discipline.
6. Not being fully committed to the lifestyle. While this isn’t necessarily something that can be dangerous or toxic, it is something we felt it is important to mention. If a partner is not fully committed to living the domestic discipline lifestyle, we recommend not practicing until that commitment and consent are given. Similar to how trust is absolutely crucial with domestic discipline, so are things such as consent and commitment. When one person feels like they’re giving 120% to domestic discipline and the other partner is giving significantly less it can create an unhealthy environment for both involved.

This is not a complete list, but it covers the major ones that we wanted to mention. If you’re considering beginning the lifestyle and have issue with one or more of the above, we very strongly recommend seeking professional counseling and/or seriously talking through whether this lifestyle would be a good fit for you. Like we said, domestic discipline certainly is not for everyone and while the lifestyle can lead to amazing benefits and rewards it’s important to understand that those won’t fully be experienced, or seen (especially long-term) if the above behaviors and circumstances are present.

-Clint & Chelsea

The post When NOT to Practice Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

You’ve probably seen it mentioned on our site a thousand times – domestic discipline isn’t easy. It’s rewarding, no doubt, but it isn’t easy (especially in the beginning). We’ve been practicing domestic discipline for awhile and it feels like we’re still learning new things and figuring new aspects of it out. Throughout the years we have learned a variety of valuable lessons that we thought might be helpful to pass along to you.

1. Don’t set expectations. It may sound impossible, and we can understand that. So, maybe instead we should say set as few expectations as possible. When we first started domestic discipline we each entered the lifestyle with a set of expectations and learned quickly that was a bad idea.

For example, Chelsea envisioned that inconsistency likely would never occur (because both of us were so dedicated to the lifestyle) and therefore had an expectation that consequences and rewards would be delivered on a dime. Needless to say, we’ve suffered two instances of inconsistency since we began domestic discipline and while that might not seem like much to most, it really threw us both for a loop. Having the expectations that it would never happen just made it more of a letdown when it did.

For Clint, he expected to not have to punish for the same thing more than once or twice. Since domestic discipline worked so well right off the bat for us, and we instantly began to see results, he felt that the pattern would likely continue with all offenses and, as a result, consequences wouldn’t have to be handed out more than one or two times for the same offense. Let’s just say that didn’t happen either. And, because he had those expectations, it made it more frustrating to punish when rules were broken more than once. That frustration could have all been avoided if expectations were never set in the first place. Moral of the story? We’ve learned that setting expectations, no matter how realistic you may think they are, is not a good idea with domestic discipline.

2. Don’t be quick to punish. We discussed this a little bit in the “Bedroom Time Gone Wrong” post earlier this week, but we felt mentioning it again was a good idea because that was just one example of several that taught us the same lesson. Sometimes domestic discipline or a specific punishment is not the right answer for every problem that occurs within your relationship. Sometimes Clint doesn’t punish right away, especially if it’s a tricky situation, and we’ve both become okay with that. It occasionally takes him some time to decide what punishment would be the most fair, or generate the best results. If it’s a situation we haven’t been in before, or a rule that has never been broken before, he’s learned that it’s best to not jump to the first consequence that comes to mind. Consider all of the factors before making a decision on what consequence, if any, to hand out.

3. Don’t be quick to judge something you don’t understand. This lesson learned primarily goes back to our pre-DD days, but it has also been applicable a few times as we’ve grown in the lifestyle. We both thought this entire lifestyle was crazy at first. Clint very candidly opened up about this particular lesson almost two years ago, but to quickly recap — Clint thought the lifestyle was crazy and jumped to an incorrect conclusion that it wouldn’t help a marriage before giving it any kind of consideration whatsoever. He hates to admit that he was close-minded and judgmental about domestic discipline before ever trying it. It’s a mistake he regrets to this day, but the lesson he learned from it has been an invaluable one. Something that you THINK is “weird” or “crazy” could really make you happy if you just give it a try.

4. Don’t be afraid to change up domestic discipline every now and again. We’ve learned that the way we began practicing domestic discipline isn’t necessarily the way we should be practicing it now. Although Chelsea thinks it would be pretty great to still get spanked like she did in the beginner days (a couple of swats, over the clothing, with a light implement) it’s clear that as we grew as a couple, domestic discipline needed to grow and change as well. We’ve made many changes to how we practice the lifestyle over the years, and we’re learned that revising our rule list every 1-2 years (as our lives change) is something really beneficial. Clint has also learned that changing how we spank can be really effective and whenever he does that it definitely makes the message get through more (for some odd reason). On the same token, we’ve also learned that incorporating new elements into the lifestyle, such as our semi-recent One Day Boot Camp experience, helps to reaffirm and re-establish certain rules, consequences and roles.

5. Get involved in the community. We can’t stress this enough. It’s hard to think about where we would be today if we wouldn’t have integrated ourselves into the domestic discipline community. One of the key foundations of Learning Domestic Discipline was to ensure that no one felt alone within the lifestyle, and this comes from a time where we, ourselves, did feel really alone and it was hard. Although we knew one other couple (at the time) who practiced the lifestyle, we definitely felt like outcasts for the first little while, and keeping it so private from our friends and family was really, really hard. One of the best things we did was create Learning Domestic Discipline which therefore allowed us to reach out to people all over the world who believe in the same traditional relationship values that we do and practice a similar way of life. In turn, we’ve been able to meet (both in person and online) tons of different couples who have taught us so much about this lifestyle, opened their hearts to us, and whom we have formed long lasting friendships with. We’re telling you guys – there’s nothing like having friends that truly understand the lifestyle. If you haven’t yet gotten involved within the domestic discipline lifestyle we highly encourage you to. Make friends within the community, get to know each other, and support each other through this challenging yet rewarding lifestyle. It just makes it all the more worth it.

We could go on and on with what all we’ve learned with the lifestyle, but these five lessons stand out as ones that we’re thankful we know, even if we had to learn them the hard way at first. Like we’ve said before, domestic discipline may not be easy. But we’ve learned so much and we hope it helps you all in your domestic discipline journey as it as helped us.

Enjoy your holiday weekend, everyone!

-Clint & Chelsea

The post {A-Z Blog Challenge} D: Domestic Discipline 101: The Top 5 Things We Have Learned appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Welcome to week 2 of our new summer Q&A series! Each week we examine a different dilemma that some domestic discipline couples face and offer our tips and advice on how we recommend the situation be handled. Last week we talked about how to best handle domestic discipline situations while on vacation, and this week we’ll be discussing domestic discipline in long distance situations.

Since we first began Learning Domestic Discipline this has been a common question that we get (or a variation of the below):

Question: My partner and I practice domestic discipline, but we don’t live near each other. We currently only see each other 1 or 2 times a month, and when we do I don’t like the idea of spending our entire time together punishing her and/or going over the rules. But, it is hard for me to hold her accountable from so far away. What do you recommend, or is domestic discipline best reserved for when we move in together?

Answer: This is a tough dilemma, no doubt and we try to look at both sides of it. On one side, the domestic discipline dynamic is obviously important to both parties and that’s great. But, on the flip side we can definitely see how it is important that your relationship and your time together be built on and spent on something other than domestic discipline. In a scenario like the example question above, if you only see each other every other week (for example) then it would make sense why neither party would want to spend that entire time punishing and/or focusing on domestic discipline.

There’s a few important things to consider when starting or continuing a long distance domestic discipline relationship. The first is how long will the distance last? Is the long distance relationship something that you are both actively working to resolve (meaning you have goals, and a time frame, as to when the distance will end) or is there no end in sight? This is important because it gives you both a good idea of how to better shape your domestic discipline relationship for the future.

If you feel like the distance will be resolved in a relatively short time frame, then keeping with the domestic discipline lifestyle makes the most sense to us. Getting used to how the lifestyle works (even without consequences, or with infrequent consequences) can make the transition much easier when you are finally together.

If you feel like the distance has no end in sight, or if there is no plan to end the distance anytime soon, then we recommend erring on the side of caution when it comes to practicing domestic discipline. We don’t necessarily believe you have to stop domestic discipline all together, but it might be a good idea to implement some changes such as the following:

• Consider domestic discipline without spanking. Spanking is, obviously, the hardest consequence to administer from a distance. Therefore, implementing domestic discipline without spanking would help to ensure that the lifestyle can still be practiced, but would use rules and consequences that could semi-easily be done from a distance, such as writing lines, corner time, and things like that.
• Create rules that are applicable to your situation. If you’re the HOH, make sure you’re developing rules for the submissive partner that can be followed from a distance without you feeling like you would need to constantly check up on her. For example, something like having a rule about attitude could be easy to enforce (since that is something you can “catch” over video chat, the phone, etc.) whereas something like a bedtime would be more difficult to enforce.
• Focus more on roles and less on consequences. This kind of goes along with the first bullet point (about removing spanking as a consequence), but in situations where distance is present we recommend using that time to really shape and develop your roles as both a leader/HOH and a submissive partner. By focusing more on the roles and qualities you possess within those roles and less on the consequences it will help to ensure your domestic discipline foundation is strong for when you are finally together. This isn’t to say that the rules and consequences shouldn’t be involved, because they should, but just not the FOCUS of the lifestyle.

Alright, so what about punishments? How would that work, especially if a couple doesn’t want every visit/get together to be centered around the punishments or various rule breaks from the past few weeks? Below are our tips:

• Enforce as many rules as you can when they first happen. Consequences are going to be less effective, naturally, if you want 2 weeks (for example) to administer them. So, administering consequences as close to the offense as possible will have the best results. Some examples of consequences you can implement from a distance are:
  • Corner time
  • Bedroom time
  • Writing lines
  • Grounding
  • Lecturing
• If you choose to include spanking make sure to reserve it for serious offenses and use the above list of consequences first before opting for something like a spanking. The goal is that the serious offenses will be few and far between, therefore eliminating the need to spank every time you see each other. If you feel like you are spanking each time you’re together, then perhaps that rule can be better handled with a different consequence.
• Consider boot camp every few months. This will help to get both of you on track with domestic discipline, which can be important since distance can sometimes lead to inconsistency over time. By going through boot camp every few months (3-6 months) it will also help to eliminate the need for frequent punishments each time you see each other.

There’s no question that it is harder than usual to maintain a domestic discipline relationship from a distance. However, it can be done, and it can be done effectively. We hope you find the above tips helpful!

RECAP:

• Ask yourselves how long you anticipate the distance lasting, and create a domestic discipline plan based on that time frame.
• Consider using domestic discipline without spanking, and instead replacing spankings with consequences that are easier to enforce when the mistake first happens.
• Focus more on your roles within domestic discipline and less on the punishments and consequences
• Consider doing boot camp every few months to ensure that domestic discipline stays on track and remains consistent, and also reduces the amount of punishments your partner will receive while you are apart and together.

-Clint & Chelsea

The post {Q&A Series} Long Distance Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Since we began Learning Domestic Discipline four years ago we have spent a great deal of time covering the ins and outs of beginning the domestic discipline lifestyle. Being new to domestic discipline can bring a lot of frustrations, challenges and decisions into your relationship but as we (and many others) always say – it is all worth it long term. Even though we have a lot of posts and other resources dedicated to beginning the lifestyle the fact still remains that we receive a lot of emails from those wondering how to begin the lifestyle, and more importantly what the first steps should be. Those questions often go something like this…

Question: I finally (finally!) after quite awhile of trying was able to get my partner on board and okay with domestic discipline. But, we have no idea where to go from there. It seems like he is just sitting around waiting for me to do something he doesn’t like so he can step into his HOH role, whereas I’m sitting around trying to figure out what the boundaries even are. I know there’s more to this lifestyle than just consequences and rules but we just don’t know where to begin with our roles if nothing has happened yet. Can you help?

Answer: First, please remember that everyone was a beginner at one point or another with the lifestyle. You definitely aren’t alone in your confusion and frustrations, as we think those are similar feelings that people have felt at one point.

The complicated thing about domestic discipline is trying to figure out how to get accustomed to the roles and responsibilities that come with those roles without just waiting around for something to happen (as the question illustrates). Although both parties may be eager to begin the lifestyle, few actually know how to begin and that’s where we’re here to help. Below are a few of our tips.

1) Create a rules list, if you haven’t already. Defining boundaries for the submissive partner is extremely important, especially when first beginning the lifestyle, and knowing what to enforce and when to enforce it is equally important for the HOH. You can find more on creating a rule list by searching “rules list” (or another similar term of your choosing) in the search box in the upper right hand corner.

2) Create and sign a domestic discipline contract. These aren’t mandatory for a successful domestic discipline relationship, but many couples do find them helpful, especially in outlining what each person is okay and not okay with, the rules, consequences, and more. You can find more information, as well as example contracts, here.

3) Consider doing beginner boot camp. This is designed for those new to the lifestyle to get accustomed to their roles and starting the lifestyle off on a solid foundation.

4) Begin to think about what small changes you can make within yourself that would positively benefit your relationship. Remember that the goal with domestic discipline is never to jump or rush into anything. Instead, identify a few key areas to work on and begin improving those. For example, if you’re the HOH you may want to set goals surrounding consistency and how to maintain it from the beginning. You also might want to begin to slowly take a more authoritative approach on areas of your relationship that are currently struggling and/or lacking leadership. If you’re the submissive partner, you may want to start identifying areas in which you need to loosen up the control (slowly).

Those are just a few ways to get started with domestic discipline right away without feeling like you have to sit around and wait for something to happen (as many often put it). As with all elements of domestic discipline, it’s important to remember to take things slow and not rush into anything, and also to build a support system early on by connecting with other domestic discipline couples. Having that support system, especially for beginners, is crucial.

For those of you who are new to the lifestyle, welcome!

– Clint & Chelsea

The post {Q&A Series} Starting the Domestic Discipline Lifestyle appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Learning Domestic Discipline is pleased and proud to present the latest addition to its free download series - the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp Podcast!

Here’s some information on the latest addition to the free podcast series:

• We (Clint and Chelsea) discuss Beginner Boot Camp, what the goals of it are, and some of what it entails.
• We discuss Experienced Boot Camp, what the goals of it are, and some of what it entails.
• We discuss our own personal boot camp experience, including what we learned and how we felt going through it.

The Domestic Discipline Boot Camp Podcast is free to download by clicking here.

**REMINDER** – This is the 9th LDD podcast, and all nine are available for free through the LDD Products site.  Stop on by and download each one!

You can also find out more information about boot camp by clicking here.

© 2014 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post NEW FREE DOWNLOAD – Domestic Discipline Boot Camp Podcast appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

A couple of days ago, we answered a question in the latest Mailbag Monday post that asked us if we thought about writing a blog post on a concept in domestic discipline known as non-consensual consent.  It’s amazing that in over three years we haven’t written a post on non-consensual consent, a concept that is crucial to the success of the domestic discipline lifestyle.  We mentioned it in the LDD Glossary several years ago, but a small blurb on it doesn’t give it the proper attention it needs.  A post on this concept is long overdue.

What is non-consensual consent?

  Giving your non-consensual consent means you consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle and all it entails for the duration of your relationship (or until either you or your partner withdraws your consent).  When one consents to domestic discipline, they’re consenting to living the lifestyle as a whole, not consenting to case-by-case, punishment-by-punishment situations.

  It’s a little confusing, so we’ll do our best to clarify this concept.  We’ll also explain why it’s so important to the success of domestic discipline.

  In domestic discipline, the head of the household is the one “in charge” and the one making the final decisions for the overall benefit of their partner, their family, and their home.  Naturally in this lifestyle, many of those decisions are punishment decisions which the submissive partner is expected to cooperate with, or “submit” to.  Even if it means a punishment spanking is forthcoming — something the submissive partner doesn’t exactly find to be pleasant — they’re still expected to cooperate with the punishment and “submit” to it.

  In a punishment spanking situation (or any punishment situation, really), it would be understandable if the submissive partner were hesitant to cooperate in that moment, or didn’t want to go through with the punishment at all.  It stands to reason that the thought and/or temptation to withdraw consent would be, and is, at it’s strongest in these moments.  However, in order for domestic discipline to thrive in the relationship, consent cannot be withdrawn whenever the submissive partner simply doesn’t feel like cooperating in punishment situations.  It does not, and will not, work that way.  If the HoH decides to punish, then a punishment ensues.  Period.

  It’s also worth noting that it won’t work if the HoH goes back and forth on their consent, either.  It’s all or nothing when it comes to living the domestic discipline lifestyle, which is exactly what non-consensual consent is all about.  It protects the relationship from the chaos that would ensue from one partner regularly going back and forth on their consent (usually in punishment situations).

  In order for domestic discipline to bring all the wonderful things to a relationship it’s designed to, the head of the household needs to hold the ultimate authority at all times — especially in punishment situations.  If the submissive partner had the luxury of withdrawing their consent any time they didn’t feel like going through with the punishment, the head of the household wouldn’t have that ultimate authority.  The HoH’s authority would be undermined every time the submissive partner withdrew their consent due to them feeling as though the punishment was/is unfair, or unjust, or unnecessary, or whatever else.  

  The submissive partner withdrawing their consent in those moments puts them in charge, which is counter-intuitive and counter-productive to the goals and purpose of living the domestic discipline lifestyle.  Living this lifestyle is supposed to end the power struggle in a relationship, not make it worse.  The submissive partner giving and withdrawing their consent whenever they please would make the power struggle worse.  Power struggle issues lead to disagreements, arguments, bickering, fighting, hurtful words, etc., etc., etc.  Not good.

  Again, it’s worth noting that the head of the household giving and withdrawing their consent at will would create frustration, confusion, and chaos as well.  Do you want to lead the relationship and home or not?  Yes?  No?  Yes again?  No again?  Maybe?  No?  Yes?  Which is it??!  Obviously domestic discipline won’t have a chance if the HoH regularly goes back and forth on their consent.

  Non-consensual consent ends all of that confusion, frustration, chaos, etc., and that’s why it’s so important to the success of this lifestyle.  From the very beginning both partners consent to living the domestic discipline lifestyle the way it’s meant and designed to be lived, thus avoiding the problems that come with random voluntary withdrawal of consent by either partner.

  Whether or not to give non-consensual consent to live the domestic discipline lifestyle is obviously a huge decision for anyone to make.  If you consent to everything the lifestyle entails, and you make the decision to live the lifestyle, it’s a decision we strongly discourage going back on.  To get the most out of domestic discipline, non-consensual consent from both partners is crucial to its long-term success.

  Of course, non-consensual consent can be withdrawn at any time.  There’s always that option.  Once non-consensual consent is withdrawn, however, it’s very difficult to bring domestic discipline back into the relationship if there’s ever a change of heart (for the reasons mentioned earlier).  Just like giving non-consensual consent in the beginning is a big decision, withdrawing it is also a very big decision.  It’s one that should be carefully thought through and discussed extensively together with your partner. 

  As you likely know, consent means everything in the domestic discipline lifestyle.  A relationship simply isn’t a domestic discipline one without it.  When we talk about consent on the LDD blog, we’re talking about non-consensual consent.  This is how it has to work in order to achieve the best results.  When both partners give their non-consensual consent to practice the domestic discipline lifestyle with one another, the sky is the limit for their relationship.

© 2014 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Non-Consensual Consent in a Domestic Discipline Relationship appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Domestic discipline relationships can fall off track, or become off balance, for a number of different reasons. Life events (having a baby, moving, family stresses, job changes just to name a few) are often the biggest reason, but other reasons can include inconsistency for extended periods of time or distance domestic discipline.

Regardless of the reason, getting back on track with domestic discipline can be challenging. In our book Consistently Inconsistent we identify several reasons that inconsistency can occur, and how to prevent it from happening, or dealing with it when it does. However, what we’re going to look at today is once the consistency is put back together, how do you go about jump starting domestic discipline again?

Below are five tips to help you get back on track.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s the answer I feel like we give to almost every domestic discipline situation, but it’s true. A large part of domestic discipline is about communication, and the same goes with jump starting domestic discipline again. Often times just sitting down with your partner and having a simple, “hey babe, I’d really like us to focus more on domestic discipline in our relationship” talk can do wonders. It lets your partner know you’re serious about this, it’s important to you, and you want it. You never know, he/she may be feeling the same way as well. Sometimes simply talking about it is all it takes.
2. Start from square one. Depending on how long your relationship has been off track, sometimes starting with the basics is the best way to go. With this approach, it requires couples to essentially start completely over with the rules, consequences, and wipe the slate clean. Make sure to identify which issues were present in your previous version of domestic discipline that you both feel made things more challenging for you both and try to leave those out with the new version. On the flip side, be sure to carry over anything that you did feel was helpful in making domestic discipline successful. With this approach, we find it is best to start a domestic discipline binder (more on this coming in the upcoming weeks!), and also dedicate a weekend afternoon (or something similar, whenever you have time) to sitting down and reworking it together.
3. Ease back in slowly. Be cautious not to jump back into domestic discipline full force, as often times what happens is it tends to fizzle out after a few days, or weeks. Ease in slowly to begin reincorporating domestic discipline. For example, if you previously had 15 rules, try starting with 4 or 5 and working your way up from there. The same goes with consequences. Just don’t be in a hurry to rush back into domestic discipline.
4. Identify what went wrong. This could maybe be considered step 2, actually (behind communicating) but it’s important to do at some point, regardless of when. Make sure the two of you sit down and look at what caused domestic discipline to get off track in the first place. Doing this will help to prevent it from occurring in the future, or allow you to devise a plan for if it does. This also goes hand in hand with communicating to your partner about what you feel caused it to fall off balance, and different ways it can be prevented. Just be cautious not to turn this into a “blame game” style of argument.
5. Consider boot camp. And finally, as a last resort, consider a version (either the beginner version, standard version, or one day version) of domestic discipline boot camp. Boot camp can be very beneficial in helping a couple to “reset” and get back on track with domestic discipline after an extended period away, and can help both couples to reaffirm their roles, and commitment to the lifestyle.

If your domestic discipline relationship has ever fallen off balance, we’d love to hear what methods you used to help get things back on track. Sharing what has worked for you may help other couples as well, so please don’t hesitate to do so.

We’ll see you tomorrow as we meet another one of our guest columnists, Rachel.

©2014 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post 5 Tips to Get Your Domestic Discipline Relationship Back on Track appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Today we’re gearing this post towards those who are looking into domestic discipline, have never heard of it, or who are beginners to the lifestyle. We know that there is a lot of information on domestic discipline all over our blog, and it sometimes can be difficult to locate (we’re working on that!). If you only read one post while looking into the lifestyle, we hope it’s this one.

Domestic discipline is a complex lifestyle that involves a lot of questions, confusion, myths, truths, facts, realities, and so much more. Below we have put together the ten things we would like everyone to know about domestic discipline upon first researching, or beginning, the lifestyle.

(Note: These are in no particular order)

1. Not every domestic discipline relationship uses spanking. Domestic discipline is a lifestyle in which rules and consequences are set forth in an effort to better the relationship. Those consequences do not need to include spanking. In most domestic discipline relationships spanking is used. However, there are a number of couples who choose to implement domestic discipline into their relationship and are just as successful. Domestic discipline is not a spanking relationship. Often times, couples zero in on the spanking aspect of it without understanding that it a) isn’t a mandatory requirement to practice domestic discipline and/or b) can be just as successful without it.

For more information on domestic discipline relationships without spanking, please click here.

2. Domestic discipline relationships are consensual. If you’ve been researching domestic discipline for a little while now, you’ve probably seen this statement pounded into your head several times. Consent, consent, consent. But, it’s important to understand what that consent implies. From the submissive partner’s perspective, consenting to domestic discipline means that you agree to allow your partner (the HOH) to set forth rules and hold you accountable through a series of agreed upon consequences. From the HOH’s perspective, consenting to domestic discipline means that you agree to upholding your end of the domestic discipline agreement through holding your partner accountable. It’s important to note that consent is given at the beginning of the couples domestic discipline relationship, and not on a case-by-case basis. It’s also important to understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time, by either party.

For more information on consent in domestic discipline relationships please click here.

3. Inconsistency is going to happen, and that’s okay. It’s inevitable. No domestic discipline relationship is 100% consistent, and perfect, all of the time. Whether it happens within one week, one month, one year, or a decade of beginning the lifestyle, it will happen, and that’s okay. It’s important not to get discouraged, but instead know how to handle it when it does arise, and know where it is likely coming from. Once you know the source of the inconsistency, it can be easy to fix.

For more information on consistency in domestic discipline please click here. 

4. No two couples practice domestic discipline the same way. Similar to the #2 point that we made (in regards to consent), you’ve likely heard this a time or two while researching domestic discipline, but it’s true and it’s worth repeating. No two couples practice domestic discipline the same way. What is a rule for one couple may be perfectly fine for the next, and the severity of one submissive partner’s spanking may be different for you. That’s okay. That’s all part of what makes domestic discipline unique. On the same token, it’s important to not compare yourself or your relationship to other domestic discipline couples, and to understand that the advice that you read (both here on Learning Domestic Discipline, and elsewhere) is meant to be a template that you can use to modify domestic discipline into what works the best for you and your partner.

5. There are so many types of domestic discipline relationships. Domestic discipline is definitely not a “one size fits all” type of relationship, as we discussed a little bit in the above point. Domestic discipline comes in many different shapes and forms. Most of what you may hear about in domestic discipline stories, or around the domestic discipline community is the traditional form (where the male is the HOH and the female is the submissive partner). However, there are several other types, which you can read more about below.

• The Spencer Plan/Cooperative Domestic Discipline Dynamic
• The FLR Dynamic
• The CDD Dynamic

and more.

6. Both parties must be committed to making domestic discipline work. Domestic discipline is definitely not designed to be a one-sided relationship. If both the HOH and the submissive partner are not 100% on board with domestic discipline, it will be a struggle to make it work (or, it will not work at all). Domestic discipline takes both parties equally working together at this lifestyle, which can sometimes be difficult.

For more information on commitment in domestic discipline please click here. 

7. You’re going to make mistakes, and that’s okay. This is geared towards both the HOH and the submissive partner. Both of you are going to make mistakes throughout domestic discipline. As we mentioned earlier, no one is perfect at it. There may be times where the submissive partner breaks the rules for the 3rd time in a short period of time, or where the HOH punishes too severely, or too lightly. These are just a few examples of common occurrences, but the bottom line is that it’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to show your partner that you aren’t perfect. Be yourself. Domestic discipline is not meant to change your personality.

For more information on common mistakes in domestic discipline relationships please click here.

8. Domestic discipline is not abuse. Obviously, we cannot speak for every single domestic discipline relationship out there. But, if domestic discipline is practiced consensually, appropriately, and with loving intent behind it, it is not abusive. This is something that it is imperative to understand before beginning this lifestyle. Domestic discipline relationships are founded on the premises of core principals like trust, honesty, respect, communication, and love. If practiced correctly, domestic discipline is not abusive in any way.

For more information on abuse in domestic discipline please click here. 

9. Crying might not always happen. A lot of times beginners to the lifestyle get this picture in their head of how a spanking in domestic discipline will go, and usually that image involves what they have seen in movies, read about it books or on other domestic discipline blogs, or fantasized about and it usually always has the submissive partner crying in the end. While it’s definitely possible to receive spankings where crying does occur, that likely will not be the case every single time. A large number of women in domestic discipline relationships have a difficult time releasing emotions from the spanking alone, and often times it’s the lecture, or the emotional pain of disappointing their HOH, that ignites tears. It’s important to understand that it’s okay to not cry every single time. This is an issue that a lot of people face, and it is normal.

For more information on crying during a spanking please click here.

10. You have resources, and you have help. No one should ever be alone in domestic discipline, and we’re here to ensure that doesn’t happen. Domestic discipline couples, no matter what stage of domestic discipline they’re in, ALWAYS have resources whether that is in the form of forums, meeting other domestic discipline couples, browsing the hundreds of different articles on our blog, reading ebooks, booking consultations, and much more. You always have a place to go when you have questions, are confused, or when things get rough.

So there you have it. 10 things we hope every new couple to the lifestyle knows.

Have a great rest of your week, everyone!

The post 10 Things to Know About Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.

  One thing domestic discipline couples often talk about is this lifestyle eliminating the “power struggle” in a relationship.  When the dynamic of domestic discipline is functioning correctly in a relationship, that’s precisely what it does — it eliminates the “power struggle.”  The head of the household is the one with the the final say or the ultimate “power”, and that “power” is exercised after taking into account the thoughts, opinions, wants, and needs of the submissive partner and the entire family.  When that’s how things operate, domestic discipline thrives and there is no “power struggle.”

  However, in domestic discipline, it’s difficult to get to that point if/when the submissive partner regularly challenges the HoH’s “power” in the relationship.  The submissive partner giving up their own “power” is challenging, particularly when first starting out with the lifestyle, but it must be done for the lifestyle to yield the results that both partners are looking for.  The submissive partner has consented to giving the HoH the ultimate “power” in the relationship by agreeing to live this lifestyle, and challenging it contradicts that entire premise.  The problem is that, often times, the submissive partner doesn’t even realize they’re doing this.  

  Here’s a few easy questions for you — in a consensual domestic discipline relationship, which partner chooses the punishments and when/how to administer them?  Which partner has the ultimate authority in the home?  Which partner ultimately decides what to do, when to do it, and how to do it?

  Sure, the answer to all three of these questions is obvious enough — the head of the household.  That means that, even if the submissive partner feels something should be done about any given situation, or feels something should be handled a certain way, it’s the HoH who ultimately decides what to do and how to go about doing it — not the submissive partner.  

  Now here’s a little more difficult question for you — looking at your own relationship, is this how domestic discipline operates all the time within it?  Take the time to really think about the answer to that question.

  If so, things are likely going great for you both.  You’re likely content with where things are at and you and your partner rarely, if ever, have an argument.  If it doesn’t operate that way all the time, you and your partner probably get frustrated often, argue more than you’d like to, and regularly disagree on how successful domestic discipline is (or isn’t…) in your relationship.  Both of you may or may not understand why you’re struggling with DD.  

  Well, the reason you’re struggling (or not seeing the results you’d like to be seeing) is because the submissive partner is still trying to exercise their “power” in one or more areas of the relationship, and they’re having a difficult time letting go of it.  And, as we said, the submissive partner probably doesn’t even realize they’re doing this.  They’ve simply had this “power” for most of their adult life, and it’s natural for them to take the lead in this area of the relationship (or in this particular type of situation).  

  The problem with the submissive partner doing this is that it directly conflicts with how domestic discipline is supposed to operate and how domestic discipline brings stability and peace to a relationship.  Not to mention it probably irritates the HoH, which naturally leads to disagreements/arguments/conflict, particularly if it was the submissive partner who wanted the DD dynamic in the relationship to begin with.  That’s a “power struggle” — something domestic discipline is designed to eliminate from a relationship.  When the submissive partner does not defer to, or yield to, or “submit” to the HoH in all (or most) matters, turbulence in the relationship is the result.

  All of this is NOT to say that the submissive partner does not have the right to express their thoughts/opinions, or does not have the right to disagree with whatever their HoH decides.  Of course they do.  All of this is to say that it’s the HoH who has the ultimate “power” in the relationship, and when their “power” isn’t respected or is regularly challenged in some capacity, problems ensue.  We feel it’s important for both partners to think about or keep this in mind whenever either partner wonders why domestic discipline isn’t “working” in the relationship.  That’s all.  

  Not every decision the HoH makes will be the right one.  Not every decision the HoH makes will be the one the submissive partner would have made.  The HoH’s decision may very well be to do nothing about a particular issue or behavior as they don’t see it as a problem, or as an urgent/important matter.  Both partners will not prioritize every rule in the relationship the same.  Men and women are different and think differently about a lot of things (we won’t get into that ).  But, in a domestic discipline relationship, it’s the HoH’s role to make those choices and it’s the submissive partner’s role to support them.  

  If you ever have domestic discipline related turbulence in your relationship, chances are the problem can be traced back to this element of a “power struggle.”

The post The Domestic Discipline “Power Struggle” Is Real appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.