Welcome to the inaugural edition of Saturday Stories here at Learning Domestic Discipline!  If you’re unfamiliar with Saturday Stories, it’s a new feature of the LDD blog that gives anyone a chance to write a domestic discipline related article or story to be published here publicly on the website (you can read more about it here).  We will be posting new Saturday Stories every other Saturday, and this first entry is a great one to kick off our new feature.  It’s an article we feel a lot of fellow domestic discipline couples will be able to relate to.

  The author of this post introduces himself in his article, so we’ll step aside and give him the floor.  His article was/is completely written by him.  We have not manipulated, edited, or added to his words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

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  Hello, my name is Brandon. I’m fortunate enough to be a lot of things-  a husband to a girl I could have once only dreamed of marrying, a father to twin 4-year-old sons who keep me on my toes constantly, a homeowner, a wish-I-was-pro baseball player (which translates to I play in a local league every Saturday), a world traveler, a college graduate and much more. I’m also a writer, although definitely not a domestic discipline writer, so please bear with me here folks. I write 2 business columns for a personal finance and entrepreneurial magazine, as well as an interim staff writer for a major news outlet.

  On the surface, we’re an everyday American family.  My wife stays home with our twin boys, I clock out at about 10 hours a day, come home and eat some delicious dinner (and pray, every day on my way home from work, that it will be her famous lasagna), play with my boys, get them off to sleep, and watch all the baseball news I possibly can between then and when I finally hit the bed. Well, those are the nights when I’m not punishing my wife, anyway.

  Probably figured it out by now, but we practice domestic discipline. I wanted to write this article/essay/ hopefully not too boring to read and hopefully not novel length book for Learning Domestic Discipline in an attempt to show other wives (and/or husbands) what their husband may be feeling, thinking, or wanting when that (probably dreaded for you) talk comes up about wanting to start domestic discipline in your marriage.

  My wife and I had that very talk a little over 1 year ago. And, if you would have asked me prior to that talk, I would have never been able to imagine myself punishing my wife, or creating rules for her, let alone taking her over my knee to spank her. It just wasn’t a thought that ever crossed my mind. But, it must have crossed hers.

  After we put our (then 3 year old) twins to bed it was starting off like any other night for us. Well, until our talk at least. She said she wanted to talk about something serious and numerous thoughts ran through my mind. When she’s wanted to talk about something serious in the past that could have meant a lot of things from “honey let’s get a puppy!” (bad idea, wouldn’t recommend that one guys) to “So, there’s this scrapbooking convention…”and everything in between. Needless to say, it didn’t even cross 00.1% of my mind that it could be something like domestic discipline.

  She opened up the conversation with how she felt like we had a lot of “petty arguments” (I think was her exact phrase) and how she had been researching ways to help resolve some of those because sometimes our “petty arguments” would turn into really big arguments since neither one of us are big fans of talking things out (sad, but true). We tended to just brush the argument under the rug, mentally curse each other out, then a few days later when we were over it life would go back to normal. Alright so at this point I’m thinking “oh goodie, here comes the ‘I think we should go to marriage counseling’ bombshell that no guy ever wants to hear their wife say, especially when he thinks things are fine” speech. But instead, it was the “I think we should try domestic discipline” speech, which I think completely blindsides guys the same way, if not worse.

  She mentions domestic discipline and asked me if I’d ever heard of it. I responded with no (honest answer because I hadn’t) and she starts to explain how it’s a system where one person holds the other person accountable through creating rules, and thus creating consequences for that person. I asked her what she meant by consequences, and she said “well it could be things like grounding, or things like corner time, or even things like spanking. But…” and then her voice trailed off into why I shouldn’t flip out about the spanking part, but it was a little late for that.

  Kind of shameful to admit now, but at the time, I couldn’t help but laugh. My wife was sitting in front of me telling me that she wanted to try this crazy thing called domestic discipline, and she’s wanting me to spank her when we have an argument. Seriously?!

  I probably fired off 15 questions to her. Why would you want this? How does this help us? Do I HAVE to spank you or can we just skip that part? Where did you even hear of this? Are you SURE this is what you want? What kind of rules are we talking about here? How the heck am I supposed to spank you? Is there like a manual for this crap? How could this possibly not mean that I’m losing a wife and instead gaining an extra child? And more. My wife, bless her heart, answered all of them. To be honest, they seemed a little like textbook answers to me, but hey, she answered them!

  Alright so 2 hours later and we’re still sitting there, at the kitchen table, talking about this and I couldn’t believe it. She told me that she wanted to “just try it” but I really wasn’t liking this whole idea. My first (and probably biggest) fear was that I didn’t want to hurt my wife. As men, we’re raised that you don’t put your hand on women, but especially not your wife. I also had fears about how the heck we would make this work with 2 toddlers in the house and family that pops over frequently (I’m one of those fortunate ones where my mother in law lives about 2 miles away). What would our family and friends think, or heck what would anyone think if they found out I had spanked my wife?

  I also worried a lot about how this would help us. On the surface it seemed like something that could eventually pull us apart. I feared that she would eventually get tired of the rules, or tired of the punishments, and it would cause a strain on our marriage even further. And, finally, I circled back to the thought of I just can’t spank my wife. I can’t intentionally hurt my wife.

  We ended that conversation with her feeling a little defeated, I’m sure, and me feeling like a ton of bricks with the words “never saw that coming!” written on them just hit me all at one time. I tried to get my mind off of it- read a magazine, watch TV..but nothing was working. I started to feel like a jerk because I could tell my not-so-on-board reaction really hurt my wife which was never my intention.

  About a month went by and neither one of us mentioned domestic discipline. But, that doesn’t mean we didn’t think about it I’m sure. Finally, one weekend afternoon our kids were at my in laws and my wife and I had the afternoon to ourselves. What started as a simple conversation with how to spend the day quickly escalated into an argument when I found out that our options on how to spend the day were drastically limited due to the fact that my wife had overdrawn our primary checking account “on accident” for the sole purpose of dying to shop at a mall sale earlier that week.

  I yelled, and probably said things I shouldn’t have. She yelled, and said things I’m sure she regrets. She stomped up the stairs, slammed our bedroom door, and I walked out into our back yard and immediately started moving money from an emergency savings account into that primary checking account, all while muttering things under my breath about how pissed off I was.

  A few hours later when things calmed down she came to me and said “you know, I didn’t purposely overdraft the account. But, this could have been avoided with domestic discipline. Both the original action, and the reaction.” And it hit me that she was right. Maybe it’s because I was already mad both at how we handled the situation, and at the original situation that started all of this, but all the sudden the thought of taking her debit card out of her wallet, cutting it up, and forbidding her from EVER doing something like this again didn’t seem so bad. I still was iffy on the thought of spanking her but grounding, hey, I could do that.

  I told her I wanted to give this domestic discipline thing a shot, but I wasn’t ready to spank her. Instead, I was grounding her. I fully expected her to have a meltdown but instead she seemed relieved, which relieved me. I took her credit cards, and debit cards, and told her for the next few weeks I’d just give her cash when she wanted to purchase something (if I wasn’t with her) and she sure as hell wasn’t stepping foot in that mall for at least 2 weeks. I thought that was pretty fair, and thankfully, she agreed.

  That is, until about 10 days into it she broke the grounding, found where I had hid her debit card, and went out shopping. Thankfully didn’t spend near as much money as before, but the thought that she disobeyed me really made me mad. For about 2 days I went back and forth on whether or not to spank her. Finally, I decided I would, but it was going to be a one-time thing. I kept telling myself “I’m only doing this once because I don’t know what else to do. She wants it, and so I’ll try it.”

  The first spanking was awkward for the both of us. Honestly, you think spanking seems so cut and dry, and simple, but it wasn’t. I had no idea what I was doing. After the first 2 or 3 spanks she said “ouch” and I felt like I couldn’t continue because I knew that I had just hurt her. We stopped, talked about it, and after she explained this whole domestic discipline thing to me, again, then I felt a little better about continuing. She ended with about 15 spanks, with my hand, and although she wasn’t crying, I could see a total improvement within minutes. She wasn’t mad at me, which was a huge relief. She also was WONDERFUL for the rest of the day. Probably the happiest her and I have been in months. Seriously, all from domestic discipline? I thought for sure it couldn’t be right, but it was.

  As the months went on, we both fell more into domestic discipline and officially made it a “full fledge aspect of our lives” shortly thereafter. She has rules, consequences, and expectations and I have a duty to uphold those to benefit our family. Sounds crazy but it’s true, and it works. Now, we can’t really imagine not trying domestic discipline.

  My advice to women out there, from a man’s perspective, who want to approach their husband and discuss domestic discipline is to not have false expectations right out of the gate. Don’t expect him to immediately want to try it. It can take days, weeks, months or years. My other piece of advice is to be there for him. I would not have been able to try domestic discipline, or more specifically, spank my wife without her coaching me through it, reaffirming to me why she wanted this, and the reasons this was beneficial. Don’t just throw a bunch of information at your husband then leave the rest for him to figure out. He needs to hear why you want this lifestyle, and that you will help him walk through it and sort out the numerous problems he will likely have with it.

  Thank you to Learning Domestic Discipline for allowing me to guest write today. This site has been a great resource for so many, my wife and I included.

If anyone needs/wants to, feel free to contact me at Brandon_J@columnist.com.

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  It’s easy to see that Brandon is a professional writer.  What a fantastically written article about a very relatable domestic discipline topic.  We’d like to thank Brandon very much for submitting this great article.  Brandon, if you’d like to write more articles for the Saturday Stories feature, we’d love to feature them in the future.  Thanks again for this wonderful piece.

  If you’d like to write an article for LDD’s Saturday Stories, you can learn more about how to do by clicking here.  We look forward to featuring your work!

The post Saturday Stories: “The Day My Wife Approached Me With Domestic Discipline” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Welcome to Mailbag Monday Week 4- and Happy Earth Day! If you missed our announcement last week, our spring promotions have launched featuring a brand new eBook, and a brand new workbook (to accompany the Domestic Discipline Boot Camp for Beginners eBook). Both items, as well as our previous two eBooks, are currently available at discounted rates now through June 1st. You can click HERE to be transferred to the promotions page.

Yet another week of great questions sent in by everyone! If you’d like to submit your question to be answered on Mailbag Monday you can do so by clicking HERE.

My partner and i have been practicing dd for about 2 months and it has been going great but we are stuck on what punishments we can use with kids around. Our kids are 12 and 14 and we homeschool so we dont typically get a break without them and it makes spanking difficult. How do we handle the spanking part of this and also make it clear to me that im grounded or in trouble w/o our kids knowing? Thank you for all you do. We would never have found dd without you.

We’re happy to hear that you’ve found happiness in domestic discipline!  It really does make a marriage stronger in a lot of ways if a couple stays committed to it.

  Your situation is definitely a difficult one to work around.  Children home all the time would be a challenge for any DD couple.  I would suggest using punishments such as privilege removal, writing lines, apology letters, and soap/hot sauce in the mouth more frequently.  Those punishments can be done relatively quickly and can be administered in such a way that won’t come across as unusual to children.  Bedroom time is also an option, however you may have to make an excuse as to why you’re spending so much time in your bedroom (headache, not feeling well, etc.).  I would only use the bedroom time if the other options aren’t reasonable, fitting, or possible.

  As for the spankings, I would suggest you only spank when the children are either sleeping or out of the house (with grandparents, at a trusted friends house, etc.).  And, when spanking while they’re asleep, I would explore quiet spanking implements and entertain the idea of silent spankings. I would only entertain the idea of silent spankings if absolutely necessary, however.  It’s always best to conduct a traditional spanking if possible.

I would suggest you and your husband have some sort of subtle cue/warning that you both understand to mean you’re currently in the middle of a grounding punishment.  It could be anything, but I would make it something silent and something inconspicuous so your children do not suspect anything out of the ordinary.

  You certainly have a very unique and a very challenging situation on your hands.  I hope these suggestions helped.  I think everything can be worked around if you’re careful about it.  Best of luck to you!

I don’t have a lot to add to my husband’s answer- I thought it was really good, and pretty much covered everything. However, I do want to add that your situation is really common. A very large percentage of domestic discipline couples have children (which vary in ages) and often ask how to practice this lifestyle without them knowing.

Our son is still young (he’s just shy of 2 years old) so this isn’t something that we have personally experienced yet, but I’ve heard from many different couples that it can be done if both you and your husband are on board.

In addition to the methods that my husband listed above, I’ve also heard of couples soundproofing their master bedroom so that their children are kept sheltered from domestic discipline. It’s not something I’d recommend doing right away, but if other solutions (such as punishing at night when the kids are asleep, or when they are out of the house) is not working as well as you’d both like it to, it is something you could consider.

Best of luck and welcome to the domestic discipline lifestyle!

Are you answering non DD related questions? If so..

If Clint and Chelsea were animals what would you be and why?

Yes, we’re most certainly answering non-DD questions.  I wish more of them were asked, quite honestly.

I thought about this question a lot more than you probably think.  I thought about being an ocean animal since I love warm weather and the water so much, but I don’t think I’d want to live in water forever.  I also thought about being a bird, like a falcon or eagle, but the things they eat are disgusting.  So, in the end, I would probably be a grizzly bear.

  I chose to be a grizzly bear for a lot of reasons.  One, I’d be big and strong which is helpful as an animal.  Two, I’d be well respected by my fellow grizzly bears and other animals in general (including humans).  Three, I’d be an omnivore with a diet of mostly fish and berries.  I could live with that.  Four, I really enjoy sleeping, so hibernation would be WONDERFUL.  Five, I’ve always enjoyed the woods/outdoors, so I wouldn’t mind that being my habitat/home even if it wouldn’t have been my first choice.  I don’t like the cold/winter much, but if I could sleep through the whole winter season then it wouldn’t be much of an issue.

Yes, we’re answering both non-DD and DD questions. We actually answer every single question submitted through the Mailbag Monday section, no matter what it is.

This is actually a much harder question than it appears. I really had to think about it! However, I would probably be a dolphin. The reason is because I LOVE the ocean, and I’m fascinated by it. I also love being in the water, so it would be perfect to live in there 24/7.

I am normally a very sweet and nice person. Why does the thought of having my husband spanking me for doing something he doesn’t like, such as overspending, excite me? He use to be a control freak and has since mellowed alot now that we have been married 22 yrs. 

I told him that I wanted him to start spanking me for being a bad girl from time to time, but he says I don’t like that. I think I would at least like to try it. He still likes to control things and he might actually enjoy it. I like being the submissive and him the dominant one. I think it would also help him feel more like the HoH, cause right now I pay the bills and do all that stuff. If he was in charge if the money, he could tell me what I have to spend and not allow me the freedom I have now to spend money. Discipline for us could help us, I think. What are your thoughts?

I’m admittedly biased, but I think domestic discipline could help any couple if practiced correctly.  I’ll never waiver on that opinion, so obviously my thoughts are that DD would certainly help your marriage.

  My wife will probably give a better answer, but my educated guess is that the thought of domestic discipline and spanking excites you since you appreciate a strong, confident man who is willing to take charge and protect you, your marriage, and your family from dangerous or detrimental outcomes.  I suspect you find strength and confidence in a man exciting/sexy, and if that were exuded by the man you love, well, that would just be the icing on the cake.

  The act of spanking can be exciting/sexually arousing for a lot of people as well.  I can’t speak to this too much as I don’t really find spanking to be all that arousing personally, but I think that some women just enjoy their man (or the thought of their man) taking charge in discipline/spanking situations.  The thought of their man leading them to the bedroom, taking them over their knee, pulling their pants/panties down or pulling their skirt up and spanking their bare bottom is arousing to some, I think.

Again, my wife will probably give a better answer, but the answer I’ve given is what I’ve come to learn/understand about this subject over the years.  It may be better to ask this question to someone who admittedly finds discipline spankings to be exciting/arousing.

Despite the fact that my husband said I could give a better answer I’m not really sure I can. I’m sorry! I do, however, think that my husband is on the right track.

A lot of women find the idea of having structure, and dominance, from their husband to be sexy, arousing, exciting, etc. It seems to be a pretty common theme in domestic discipline and I think it’s because those are traits that most women crave (whether they are in a domestic discipline relationship or not). A lot of women translate it into something like “my husband cares so much for me that he’s willing to do anything to keep me safe, keep our marriage strong” etc. Even if that means spanking. The reassurance of their husband taking charge is a turn on for a lot of people.

I agree with my husband that I also think, IF PRACTICED CORRECTLY AND IS CONSENSUAL,  that domestic discipline could help a lot of marriages, yours included. It sounds like you both have the foundation right (which is that he likes to lead and has dominant characteristics, and you’re okay with him leading and you being the submissive, etc.) so that will really help you both out if you choose to begin domestic discipline. It may be a pretty smooth transition from where your life is now if you both already have those traits.

Good luck with beginning domestic discipline, if you choose to do so! If you need any help along the way we’d be happy to help you both.

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That does it for this week everyone! Thanks again for all the great questions. As a reminder, if you’d like to submit your Mailbag Monday questions you can do so by clicking here.

See you on Wednesday!

The post Learning Domestic Discipline Mailbag Monday- Week 4 appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Welcome to Learning Domestic Discipline’s Mailbag Monday Week 5! It’s hard to believe this is the first week of May already. The year is almost half-over. Where has the time gone?!

In case you missed it, we have two exciting announcements to share with you before Mailbag Monday begins. The first is that our promos are officially underway and feature two new products (one of which is a new eBook!). Secondly, the Learning Domestic Discipline Retreat website officially launched over the weekend! Voting for the location of the first ever LDD Retreat is now open and you can vote by clicking here!

We have another round of great questions sent in that we’re answering this week. As a reminder, questions are answered in the order that they are received. If you have a Mailbag Monday question for us you can submit yours here!

My boyfriend and I are interested in building Ldd into our relationship. What is the best way to start? Should we do a bootcamp sessions for a few days? What do you guys think? I’m 44 he’s in mid 50′s.

I think the first thing you need to do is make sure you both want this lifestyle.  Make sure you both understand everything it entails, and understand what exactly it is you’re getting yourselves into.  The dynamic of domestic discipline can be incredibly rewarding in a relationship, but those relationship rewards only result from a strong desire to live the lifestyle and a wholehearted commitment to it.  You both have to want this for your relationship in order for you both to truly grow and benefit from it.

  If you haven’t already, read everything you can about the nuances of living the domestic discipline lifestyle.  It’s more than just a behavior/consequence system.  It’s more than a handful of punishments and spanking.  It requires a great deal of leadership, commitment, self-control, support, affection, communication, compromise, love, etc. for it to thrive.  Once you have a solid understanding of what it means to practice domestic discipline, and you still want it in your relationship, then I would suggest creating a rules list and beginning with a 30-day trial period with it.  Re-evaluate things after that first month.  If it’s going great, then continue on with it.  If it isn’t working out, either identify the problems and address/correct them or revisit the question of whether or not you want this lifestyle a part of your relationship going forward.

  The beginner boot camp book we just released is structured and designed specifically for a couple in your particular situation.  I wouldn’t necessarily suggest you jump right into a boot camp – I would suggest you both read what it is first and decide if it’s something you feel will help solidify the foundation of domestic discipline in your relationship.  That’s what the book was written for and designed to do, so we feel it would certainly help you in starting with DD, but in the end the choice of whether or not to do a boot camp is you and your boyfriend’s to make.  If you do decide to do one, we wish you the best of luck with it!

Welcome to domestic discipline! There are numerous things I recommend when first beginning domestic discipline. Those things are:

1. Research, research, research! The more you know about domestic discipline going into it, the better. However, I think it’s extremely important to not gain a false impression of domestic discipline. What I mean by that is sometimes if you over-research, or don’t research in the correct spots, you will begin to develop a sense of “oh, this is what DD for me will be like too!” and it likely won’t be. It can then lead to a disappointment if domestic discipline in your relationship isn’t the same as the domestic discipline you’ve read about on blogs, etc. So, I think it’s important to research enough to where you both “know what you’re getting into” but not so much that you feel like you’re trying to mold your DD relationship after someone elses.
   
2. Have a discussion about the rules, consequences, and “details” of domestic discipline within your relationship. It’s important that you both are on the same page, and that you know what the boundaries are.
3. Ease into domestic discipline. There’s no rush, or hurry. The slower you go when domestic discipline begins, the more effective long-term it will likely become, in my opinion.

Those are just a few tips, but we have put together several resources for beginners that you may find helpful. Those are:

1. The Learning Domestic Discipline Beginner’s Site 
2. A beginners packet with over 50 pages of articles that can help you learn more about domestic discipline, how to get started, etc.
3. The Learning Domestic Discipline Forums have a large number of beginners and a section entirely for beginners
   

and much more.

To answer your question about boot camp, we have developed a beginner version of boot camp that a lot of people have found helpful. However, boot camp, like all other aspects of domestic discipline, is something that only you and your partner will be able to read and evaluate if it is best for your relationship. I can say, however, that the beginner version of boot camp is designed to build a strong foundation to start domestic discipline and I think you would find it helpful. But, once again, it’s something that only you and your partner can decide for sure.

Best of luck with domestic discipline! It’s a lifestyle with many ups and downs, but it has a lot of rewards along the way.

Hi, there! I will try not to make this too lengthy considering there’s a couple parts to it. I am a Christian woman dating a Christian man and we believe in waiting until marriage to have sex and we also believe in the man of the relationship being the HoH and leader of the relationship (and family, if applicable.) I do not know your family’s religion so I know you may not be able to give me religious advice but I would like some general advice in the following areas:
Since we do not have sex right now I feel like spanking may be inappropriate because, as you’ve said on your blogs before, spanking for discipline isn’t a sexual act but by the nature of it can arouse sexual feelings. So I would like to avoid bringing that into our relationship but do you think the domestic discipline would still be effective without it?
I was also wondering what your opinion would be about the level of submission I should be giving to him as my boyfriend. Back to our religious beliefs the Bible says the woman should submit to her husband and her husband should love her like Christ loves the church. Since he is not my husband or even fiancé he is not at that point of loving me (which he agrees with) and so I feel like I should not be submitting to him in all things but then there is this grey area of where I shouldn’t and should be submitting to him.
Thanks in advance and I LOVE your blog!

I want to start by saying that I admire and respect your decision to wait until marriage to have sex.  It’s not an easy thing to do, and society/pop culture makes it even harder, so I really really admire your choice (and your strength to honor it).  Good for you both.  Don’t let anyone give you grief for that because it’s very honorable, respectable and commendable.

I do think domestic discipline would be effective without spanking, however it would take a lot longer to “fix” issues in the relationship.  You’d likely see a lot of short-term results and your boyfriend would likely have to punish frequently for repeat infractions.  That could get very frustrating for you both over time.  If the no spanking idea is a short term one (meaning you plan on marrying this man, at which point you will bring spanking into the marriage), then I think you guys will be fine without it.  But, as my wife said, I also feel spanking would need to be included at some point to get the full benefit of living the domestic discipline lifestyle.  Spanking goes far beyond correcting behaviors – there’s an intimacy that comes from it that cannot be matched through a “no spanking” domestic discipline dynamic, and it’s that intimacy that makes this lifestyle so special and unique.  I’d hate to see you both miss out on that.

As far as the submission goes, I think that boils down to what will make you both the most happy.  Would it make your boyfriend happy if you were more submissive to him?  If so, do YOU want to make him happy by being more submissive?  What about your feelings of it?  Do you think you would be happier if you showed more submission?  Would it make you feel good to see your boyfriend so happy as a result of your submission to him?  If it’s the dynamic you both want in your marriage  (if and when you do get married) eventually, I don’t think it would hurt to start “practicing” with it now.  I certainly don’t think it would make matters any worse – I think it would only benefit you two and help to grow the relationship.  In the end it’s obviously your choice, but if your answer was “yes” to any of my questions, I think it’s strongly worth considering.

Thank you for reading and supporting LDD.  We’re honored to have you as a reader. It means so much to us. 

Thanks for the kind words about our blog! To answer your first question, everyone handles spanking situations within domestic discipline differently. Some incorporate sex, or sexual feelings, and some do not. Some include erotic spankings in domestic discipline and some do not. For punishment spankings, sex is typically kept completely out of it. However, the act of spanking itself can become sexual (even if unintended) although not always. It’s really hard to say, and it really depends on the person/couple. If you aren’t comfortable with spanking yet in domestic discipline, I think domestic discipline can still be effective without it. Long-term though, I think that spanking would need to be included at some point (as you get more comfortable with DD) but there’s not necessarily a need to include it right away, in my opinion. If you DID want to include spankings but are worried about it becoming too sexual, or lead to something that you and your partner do not want, then you could consider things like spanking over the clothing which minimizes the risk of it turning sexual.

Submission is a hard subject to comment on because it varies so much from person to person and belief system to belief system. What I can say is that submission is a feeling translated into an action. Therefore, if you don’t feel like you need to be submissive in certain circumstances, you cannot force it. It sounds cliche, but do whatever your heart tells you. If you feel the need to be submissive about certain aspects, but not others, then there is nothing necessarily wrong with that in my opinion. I do think it’s important to communicate these feelings to your partner though so that you are on the same page as to the areas that he wants you to show submission in, and the areas in which you do not feel as though you need to to make sure there are no gray areas. Submission in domestic discipline is important, but it’s also something that can develop over time as your relationship develops.

Great questions, and I hope this helps you a little bit!

Who disciplines the children? I ask, we (my husband and I) I guess have a dd relationship, but not so formal as on here. But there are rules and consequences and honestly it is like your blog without cornertime and soap! Anyway, my husband works a lot (a recent change) 6 and 7 days a week. The problem is he does the discipline for the kids, but he’s not here now and the kids are running amok! They don’t listen, act out, etc. and today I spanked but did not like it all. But I believe it is necessary and they need to listen to me! I was just wanting your thoughts on the subject. 

Thank you for your blog, it is a nice place to visit and read. This lifestyle works well for us and it is nice to not feel like a freak- even though I believe it is more common than most think.

Disciplining children isn’t something we’re comfortable with discussing on an adult-themed domestic discipline blog, unfortunately.  Domestic discipline is controversial enough – we don’t need to bring parenting into it!  Lol.  I hope you understand, and I apologize if we’ve disappointed you.

  I hope you find a solution to your issue as I’m sure it’s extremely frustrating (and exhausting).  I wish I could offer you some help!  If you do find the solution to your problem, be sure to share it with as many moms as you can because there’s no doubt that this is a very common problem.

Thank you for your support of the site!  We appreciate it so much.

Thanks for the kind words about our site. I agree, it is more common than most people realize.

Our son is too young to discipline (hes’s under 2 years old). I wish I could offer you more insight on the topic of disciplining children but it’s not something that I know a lot about (as our son is still too young). There are a lot of excellent parenting blogs out there (some that touch on discipline) that may really help you out. There’s also a great social networking site for moms called CafeMom that you may find better solutions on.

Good luck!

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That’s all for this weeks Mailbag Monday everyone! Thanks for the great questions!

As a reminder, if you have a Mailbag Monday question you can submit your question by clicking here.

We’ll be back on Wednesday with another new post (with a new free download!!).

Have a great week!

The post Learning Domestic Discipline Mailbag Monday – Week 5 appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Every other Saturday, we feature guest articles written by those that practice domestic discipline in what we call our “Saturday Stories” column.  Anyone can submit an article about any domestic discipline related topic, and this week we have a wonderful piece written by a woman named Liza. 

This is a terrific article for those wanting and considering the domestic discipline lifestyle for their own relationship.  We feel many can learn from this article, and we’re honored and excited to feature it this week.  If you’d like to write an article to be featured on Learning Domestic Discipline’s Saturday Stories column, you can read more about doing so here, or you can email your submission to guestpost@learningdd.com.

Without further introduction, here is Liza’s article.  The following article was written entirely by Liza.  We have not manipulated, edited, or added to her words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

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My name is Liza and I have been practicing domestic discipline just shy of 7 months now. I first brought it up to my husband after close to a year of researching and talking to others about it, and ever since then it’s been smooth sailing. Well, almost.

Getting my husband on board at first was difficult. Not because he didn’t want to improve our marriage, or didn’t want to reduce our constant fighting but he had overall hesitations with the lifestyle. I finally (after weeks of trying) convinced him to read up on the topic, and he agreed to give it a shot.

Even though things are going good, I am writing this guest post today for one reason. I don’t want others who are new to domestic discipline or wanting to start it in their life to make the same mistake I did.

The mistake I’m referring to isn’t starting domestic discipline, or asking him to spank me, or even breaking a rule. The mistake was what I call false expectations or a “shaded reality.”

Don’t get me wrong, domestic discipline is great. But, prior to going up to my husband and bravely asking him to consider this I researched it. For a very very very long time I researched it. I read what seems like every resource available on the topic, I talked to others for hours, and I (at one point) even had my own blog where I chronicled my “wanting a domestic discipline lifestyle” journey. I wouldn’t say I was obsessed, as I still managed to work, take care of my children, my husband and my house and I still managed to maintain a normal social life and a good balance. But if I had free time, all to myself, you best bet it was spent finding whatever I could about domestic discipline.

I think my heavy research came because of two reasons. The first was that I wanted to make a thousand percent sure that I wanted this. At the time I started researching I was about 70% sure I did. By the time I was finished I was at 100%. The second reason was because I wanted to make sure that I could answer or respond to anything my husband said about it when I did finally bring it up to him. I just wanted to be prepared.

Throughout the course of my research I read blogs, books, you name it. Both fiction and non-fiction- I read it all. But when the time came that my husband came to me and said “alright, let’s give this a shot” why did it seem so different?

Everything from day 1 seemed so different from what I had read about. The first rule I broke was flying down the freeway as if it were a racetrack. I’ve always had a problem with this- it’s a habit I cannot break and it’s something that has ignited lots of arguments in the past. In my head I imagined him to be upset, to lecture me, then spank me (or punish me in some form) and then move on. That’s what I’d read EVERYWHERE in every single fiction and non-fiction book, blog, etc.

But, when he found out it was nothing like that.

“Why did you speed?” He asked me. I didn’t know. Habit, I guess.

“Alright well I don’t want to argue, and I’m tired. But watch your speed.” And that was it. He rolled over, went to sleep, and I had gotten away with it scotch free.

In theory, domestic discipline worked. It didn’t cause an argument. I worked harder to break the habit because I wanted him to see I was giving this lifestyle a fair shot. But, no punishment? The only reason I had was maybe he just wasn’t ready.

Turns out I was right, and he did eventually become ready and spank me after another speeding incident a few weeks later. When I imagined the spanking I imagined it to be like you read about in books and on the internet. Husband spanks wife hard. She cries and then they cuddle passionately afterwards for hours. Right? Wrong, again.

The spanking was short and honestly didn’t sting that bad. At least nowhere near what I expected! 4 or 5 swats with his hand as I awkwardly stood there. A quick hug, and he was back to talking to me about what I wanted to have for supper.

This was not what I thought domestic discipline would be like. But, was it working for us? Shockingly yes. The punishments may not have been but it WAS reducing our arguments and it WAS improving our marriage.

Fast forward to 6 months, several spankings, a few groundings, a couple of tries with corner time, and hundreds of lectures later. We still practice domestic discipline differently than I ever envisioned but things are better. He’s adjusted to his position in our DD life and so have I. I get spanked harder, longer, and more formally. But, I’ve only been spanked to tears once. Is this ok with me? Absolutely. Although it took me some time to get there and let go of the fantasy I had about domestic discipline and start living the reality.

I encourage those who are new to all of “this thing that we do” to not go in with any expectations or fantasies. Sure it’s good to research it first. But don’t overdo it because, when you do, you may end up feeling disappointed if YOUR domestic discipline life didn’t turn out like the 10 friends you met on Blogger. I think it’s really key that everyone keep in mind that domestic discipline isn’t one size fits all and it isn’t the same for everyone. But, if it works for you and your marriage or partnership then don’t seek so strongly to change it into what you wish it was.

Thank you to Clint and Chelsea for letting me post this “public service announcement” of sorts on their extremely great site.

Sincerely,

Liza

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Liza brought some attention to a very interesting domestic discipline topic, and one that is probably more common than we may think.  We’d like to thank Liza for taking the time to write this piece and for submitting it for the Saturday Stories feature.  Liza, you did an excellent job and we appreciate your contribution to the site!  If you ever want to write again for LDD, we’d be happy to feature your work in the future.

If you continue scrolling down, you’ll find links to past Saturday Stories.  We encourage you to read those as well, as there are some wonderfully written articles from others in the domestic discipline lifestyle.

If you would like to write an article to be featured on Learning Domestic Discipline’s Saturday Stories, you can learn more about how to do so by clicking here.  You can also email your submission to guestpost@learningdd.com.  We look forward to featuring your work!

The post Saturday Stories: “The Reality of Starting Domestic Discipline” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Learning Domestic Discipline is pleased to announce the launch if its podcast series!  We (Clint and Chelsea) recorded our first podcast and it is now available for download!

Here is some information about the first ever LDD Podcast:

• Topics discussed include the LDD definition of domestic discipline, the pros and cons to living the lifestyle, and what domestic discipline means to YOU under your own personal morals, ethics, and code of conduct.
• The length of the podcast is just over 45 minutes long.
• The podcast is free to download.
• The podcast can be transferred and listened in your car, on your iPod, and much more! If you need instructions on how to do this please leave a comment below, or contact us. 
• And one last insider note – we started the podcast as a “test run”, but as we got further and further into the recording, we just went with it!  We recorded this podcast in one take!  Whether that’s a good or bad thing is still being determined…

  We’re brand new to recording podcasts, so we welcome any and all feedback.  This is the first one we’ve ever done and we’re well aware there is plenty of room for improvement, so any suggestions/feedback from our readers/listeners will be taken into consideration in an effort to improve upon our future podcasts. We thank you in advance for any and all feedback.

  In the upcoming weeks Learning Domestic Discipline will be having a podcast section of the blog. Within that section will be this podcast along with all future podcasts we do over the upcoming weeks, months, and years.   

This is the first podcast in our Beginning Domestic Discipline series.  Eventually we will be making podcasts for all different types of series including the spanking series, the domestic discipline obstacles series, and more.

Quick reminder — We have a number of additional free downloads available, which you can read more about by clicking here.  We also currently have FOUR promotional packages running on all LDD eBooks!  Stop by to find the right one for you!

Thank you for your interest in the podcast, and for downloading and listening.  We hope you enjoy it!

Please fill out the form below to have the podcast file automatically emailed to you.

If you’re interested in downloading the learning domestic discipline podcast please input your email address. You must input your email address for the sole reason of being able to receive the download. Your email address will not be used for any other purpose.

*Please note that the file size is large due to the podcast being 45 minutes long.  Due to the file size, it may take awhile for your computer to download the podcast, particular if your internet connection isn’t optimal.*

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The post Introducing the Learning Domestic Discipline Podcast Series! appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

We have another wonderful guest post to share with you for this week’s Saturday Stories article.  What makes this entry special and unique is that it touches on not one but two challenges that people face when it comes to domestic discipline – talking to a loved one about the living the lifestyle, and approaching your spouse about bringing domestic discipline into your marriage.  Two things that are NOT easy to do.

Our guest post submission this week is from a woman named Michelle, and she talks about her thoughts when going through both of those challenges.  This post is one that we’re sure many can relate to, and we’re excited and honored to feature it this week.  If you’d like to write an article to be featured on Learning Domestic Discipline’s Saturday Stories column, you can read more about doing so here, or you can email your submission to guestpost@learningdd.com.

The following article was written entirely by Michelle.  We have not manipulated, edited, or added to her words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

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The post Saturday Stories: “Introducing Domestic Discipline to My Husband” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Every other Saturday we feature guest articles on the Learning Domestic Discipline blog written by our readers and/or those around the blogging community.  We’re excited to feature a wonderful article this week that was written by a fellow blogger named Kat.  Her blog is titled “My Contented Home“, and she’s fairly new to the blogging community.  We encourage everyone to pay her blog a visit and give her a nice warm welcome!

If you’d like to write and submit an article to be featured on Learning Domestic Discipline’s Saturday Stories column, you can read more about doing so here, or you can email your submission to guestpost@learningdd.com.  We’d love to feature your work and give your blog a little more exposure (if you’re a blogger)!

Let’s get to it!  The following article was written entirely by Kat.  We have not manipulated, edited, or added to her words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.

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My husband and I have been married for 25 years and are now empty nesters.  My husband is ten years older than me and we are both healthy, active, and generally happy people.  BUT….. our marriage and relationship had gone into a “complacency” mode and had been there for quite some time – years, in fact.  We were fast becoming nothing more than roommates and best friends.  Lovers didn’t exist. 

Age can play a role in how married couples relate to each other and it did for us.  I have been on hormonal therapy for over five years because of menopause and I slowly began feeling better and had more energy while my loving husband was going the other direction.  Finally, through much coaxing and I must say, complaining, he went to see our doctor.  He is now on hormonal therapy for men and feeling much better.  I began seeing the man I married again!

So, why did we decide to venture into domestic discipline if things were getting better for us? We were already practicing DD for years and didn’t know that’s what is was called.  Our reason was to bring more intense and structured dynamic back to our relationship’s communication, togetherness, accountability, respect, etc., on a deeper level.  It was to get both of us more engaged in our relationship and working at it again.  Relationships take work from both partners!  It was also to give me a way to have more structure for my day. 

However, we don’t look at domestic discipline as a one sided thing.  He’s not a slave driver and I’m not a slave.  We are partners in everything and we have a 51/49% relationship. Mutual accountability and respect take first priority in this home!  The 4′ds of Domestic Discipline – nothing dangerous, dishonest, disrespectful, and disobedient – were applied to both of us in our relationship.  All four are applied to me and the first three my husband honors.  If he can’t show respect and honesty to me, then how can I do the same for him?  I can’t!  Respect is earned!

Some folks out there think that domestic discipline is a license for husbands to become the “dictator” of their home.  My husband and I didn’t see it that way, and in fact, it wouldn’t have worked with him or me.  Yes, there is discipline for me in the form of spanking.  (I’m sometimes an emotional filly!) 

We developed a self-reporting calendar aspect to our dynamic.  I use the log on a daily basis and have it ready for him to review.  It’s a way for us to clear things by being honest and respectful.  It also helps with acting instead of RE-acting.  There is no place for anger in our relationship.  It’s a total waste of time and energy that could be spent doing other things that are much more fun!  Self-reporting is required for both of us.  We feel that neither of us is perfect and never will be, but we are willing to come together and cowboy and cowgirl up and admit our mistakes to each other.  Discussions are a major part of DD for us!

I’m naturally submissive to my husband because it’s the way I was raised.  We were taught Ephesians 5:21-33.  I’m also the Proverbs 31 Woman.   Scripture may not play a role for others and that’s okay.  Domestic Discipline bringing back the harmony in a home is what’s important.  Maybe if a healthy, loving, and responsible domestic discipline were practiced in many more homes, there would be more people saying, “My Contented Home.”

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Sometimes a long standing relationship may need a bit of a spark, and, as Kat mentioned, perhaps that spark can come in the form of domestic discipline.  Maybe a more intense and structured dynamic is all it would take for YOUR relationship to find that “spark” again, just as Kat’s did.  Hey, you never know.

A huge thank you goes out to Kat for this wonderful piece.  We’re happy to hear things are improving for you two and we wish you many more years of happiness in your “contented home.”  If you’d ever like to write for the Saturday Stories feature again, we’d love to feature your work.  Thanks again!

If you’d like to write an article to be featured on LDD’s Saturday Stories column, you can read more about it here, or you can submit your article(s) to guestpost@learningdd.com.  We look forward to featuring your article!

The post Saturday Stories: “Journey to My Contented Home!” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Last month we recorded a 45-minute free downloadable podcast on the definition of domestic discipline and the pros and cons to living the lifestyle (among other things).  That was our first ever podcast, and before recording additional ones we wanted to see how LDD readers responded to the first one.

We’re pleased to say that the overall response to the first podcast was positive, and readers/listeners really seemed to enjoy the new podcast feature of the website.  Given the positive response, we’re excited to announce that we’ve recorded a second podcast, which is now available for free download!

We took all of the wonderful feedback about our first podcast and applied it to the second one in hopes of improving the listening experience.  Our second podcast covers the ever-so-important topic of lecturing, and included within it is a real lecture example conducted by the two of us (Clint and Chelsea).

Here’s a little more information about the lecturing podcast:

• Topics discussed include defining what lecturing means to us, why lecturing is a crucial component of domestic discipline, and a breakdown of each of the three different lecturing techniques — standard lecturing, reverse lecturing, and blended spanking/lecturing.
• The podcast is just under 33 minutes long.
• As previously mentioned, this podcast includes a real lecturing example from us (Clint and Chelsea).
• The podcast is free to download.
• The podcast can be transferred and listened to in your car, on your iPod, and much more!  If you need instructions on how to do this, please leave a comment below or contact us.
• The podcast is in mp3 format. If you need another audio format, please comment below or contact us at the link above and we would be happy to convert it for you.

There are three LDD blog entries referenced in the podcast, and here are the links to them for your convenience:

The Art of the Lecture

Reverse Lecturing

Blended Spankings

Also, we’re currently in the process of creating a download site that will include ALL downloads available here at Learning Domestic Discipline in one convenient location.  Until then, the downloads will need to be made on each of the individual blog entries.  We understand the temporary inconvenience of this, however we are working towards an easier solution.  In the meantime, we’ve included the links to all the downloads available on the website below, which hopefully makes things a little easier to find.

The First Domestic Discipline Podcast

The Beginner Packet (over 50 pages long)

Domestic Discipline Contract Examples

Domestic Discipline Punishment Journals

The Spanking Packet (over 85 pages long)

And, of course, the lecturing podcast is available below.  Once again, your feedback helps us to improve our podcast recordings, so we encourage you to give us as much feedback as you can!  Thank you in advance, and we hope you enjoy the lecturing podcast!

To download the lecturing podcast, please fill out the contact form below. The podcast mp3 file will be automatically emailed to you. Please note that a valid email address is required to ensure delivery of the podcast file. Your email address is not collected, or used, for any other purpose.

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The post The Learning Domestic Discipline Lecturing Podcast appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

It has been quite a while since either one of us wrote a personal entry (outside of some tidbits here and there on the Five Things posts), so we’ve decided to write one this week to mix things up a bit.  Besides, this is something that I (Clint) have wanted to get off my chest for a while now, for a couple of reasons. One, I think it’s a story a lot of people will be able to relate to, particularly the anti-domestic discipline crowd.  Two, I want to share how the whole DD lifestyle came about for us.  I’ve recently gotten the impression that there are some who believe we’ve always been supportive and “on-board” with domestic discipline, which is not accurate.  Allow me to explain.

My wife and I were introduced to the concept of domestic discipline in 2007.  A friend of mine brought it up to me.  I don’t recall exactly how it came up — I believe I was venting to him about some things my wife (girlfriend at the time) was doing (or not doing) that was causing me a lot of stress and frustration.  Chels and I had only been dating for a few months at this point, so we were still learning about one another and getting comfortable with the way each other “worked.”

Long story short, after listening to my friend explain it, I thought the whole concept of domestic discipline was ridiculous.  I hated it from the moment I heard about it.  I mean I hated it.  My friend did a great job of explaining it all to me and answering my barrage of questions, but like many who first hear of domestic discipline, I jumped to the conclusion that it was abuse, and that it was some kind of BDSM kinky nonsense that I wanted no part of.  Frankly I thought it was stupid and there was no way on earth I was going to boss my girlfriend around and “abuse” her.  That isn’t how a healthy relationship works at all.

The first chance I got I told Chelsea about it.  “Honey, wait ’til you hear THIS!“  She had the same reaction I did.  We mocked the whole concept.  For hours we’d laugh and laugh and laugh about how stupid and ridiculous this was.  “My dinner better be on the table by 7:00pm woman, or you’re going to get it!“  I’d say, with a deep sarcastic tone.  She’d laugh.  I’d laugh.  That’s how we dealt with things we didn’t understand.  Just make fun of it.  So we did, and we did a lot.

I was raised to never strike a woman for any reason.  That’s something my parents instilled within me since I knew that “hitting” was a thing.  Never ever hit a woman.  Ever.  In fact, don’t ever hit anyone.  “Violence is not the way to solve problems,” my parents told me.  Over and over and over again, that’s what I was taught growing up.  You don’t hit a woman.  You just don’t do it.  Period.

So I didn’t.  And, as you can imagine, domestic discipline went against what I was taught by my parents.  You don’t hit women.  That’s just the way it is.  When my friend mentioned that domestic discipline included spanking women, I disregarded it right then and there.  Spanking, in my book, was “hitting.”  My overall thoughts of my friend didn’t change too much, but it’s hard not to have thoughts of, “Wow, he’s kind of an a-hole,” or, “I guess it turns out my friend is a bit of a pervert,” run through your mind.  He was still my friend and I still cared about him dearly, but those thoughts DID cross my mind a time or two.  How could they not?  This was very strange to me, and, like I said, I thought it was an asinine concept.

For weeks I didn’t give it much of a second thought (other than mocking it from time to time), until I spoke to my friend again.  He asked if I had given it any more thought – any more serious thought, that is – to which I informed him that I hadn’t.  He asked why, and since I’m not one to mince words, I told him.  I told him exactly what I thought.  And he laughed at me.  He understood, but he laughed.  He knew I just didn’t “get it.”

  We started talking about it again.  I was still pretty close-minded to the whole thing, but I listened.  He was a man I respected after all, and he was my friend, so his thoughts and opinions carried weight and mattered to me.  I heard him out and really tried to gain a better understanding of why in the world anyone would ever want to live this way.

  This conversation lasted a couple of hours, and by the time it was over, I had a better understanding of domestic discipline.  The picture he painted of it, and the way he explained that he and his wife practiced it, was nothing like what my “conclusions” about the lifestyle had been.  He was talking about care and respect, trust and communication, love and intimacy, protection and leadership.  Not sex and perversion, kink and foreplay, abuse and domination, tyranny and bigotry.  My short-minded preconceived notions of the lifestyle were WAY off, and, after this multiple hour conversation, the light bulb in my brain was starting to flicker.

  Domestic discipline still wasn’t something I could ever see Chels and I doing, but I was starting to understand why others would practice it.  Things were starting to make sense to me.  You don’t spank to get your sexual kicks.  You don’t spank to be a controlling jerk.  You spank to protect, guide, and lead.  I was “getting it.”

  I talked to Chels about it some more, and I was a little more accepting of the concept this time, although not accepting enough to seriously consider practicing.  I was just accepting enough to look a little more into it.  Chels and I both started researching domestic discipline, and the first place we looked was online, naturally.  What a terrible idea.

  After our virtual tour through Pervert City, we put a stop to our “research.”  The Tour-de-Porn was quite lovely and all (not really), but clearly this lifestyle wasn’t for us.  Evidently my friend conveniently left that part out when explaining domestic discipline to me.

“Oh great,” he said.  “You looked online.  Yeah..I probably should have warned you about that.“

Probably.  Thanks.

  He reassured me that kind of thing wasn’t what living the lifestyle was all about.  He said it was a sexual thing for some, but not for he and his wife.  He, once again, explained how he and his wife practiced domestic discipline, and assured me that it wasn’t sexual in nature at all.  He talked about all the great benefits he and his wife had experienced since starting with the lifestyle, and how he couldn’t imagine his marriage without it now.  Hmm.  Maybe there was something to this “crazy” lifestyle.  A man I had come to respect a great deal wouldn’t talk to me about something so passionately if he didn’t think it would help me and Chelsea.  That much I knew for a fact.

  So, yet again, Chels and I talked about this for hours.  Maybe it was worth a shot.  What’s the worst that could happen?  We figured we could try it for a while, I’d probably spank Chels once or twice, and if we hated it, then we’d stop.  No big deal.  Right? 

  After working through a lot of hesitations and concerns, we mutually decided to give it a shot.  Chels was more adamant about trying it than I was, but we figured we had virtually nothing to lose, and from the sound of it, everything to gain.  So we started practicing domestic discipline.  The rest, as they say, is history.  We haven’t looked back since.

  I wanted to write my story of first learning of domestic discipline to illustrate to those so vehemently against the lifestyle that I know EXACTLY how they feel.  I know exactly how they feel because I’ve been there before.  At one point in my life, I thought domestic discipline was abuse too.  At one point in my life, I thought domestic discipline was some sort of term couples used to mask their kinky desires too.  At one point in my life, I thought it was some sort of cover for Christians to get their sexual kicks without feeling guilty about it too.  I’ve been there before.  I’ve thought that before.  I truly know exactly what it’s like to have those thoughts and feelings. 

Well, I’m here to tell you that I was wrong.  I was very, very wrong.

Domestic discipline, when lived and practiced correctly, is a beautiful thing for a relationship.  I’m not going to go into the reasons why I feel that way in this blog entry since they’re already written about all over this blog (if you’d like links to those posts, please ask in the comments).  I don’t know if this entry will make those against domestic discipline feel any better about it, and frankly I don’t really care.  For a lot of people once their mind is made up, it’s made up.  And that’s fine.  But I tell you what — it felt good to write this post and I’m glad that I did.

  If you’re against domestic discipline, I just want you to know that I was too once upon a time.  And I wasn’t just against it, I thought it was flat out disgusting.  I was appalled by it.  I thought it was just as outrageous as you probably do.  But I didn’t understand it.  I straight up did not understand it.  I jumped to a conclusion about it without learning or understanding what it was.  I heard “spank your wife” and immediately wrote it off as abuse without giving it a second thought, or a legitimate chance.  Again, I was wrong.  I was downright ignorant, and I hate that I judged something so quickly without fully understanding it.  Looking back on it, it’s really embarrassing and rather shameful that I was THAT close-minded toward a concept I’d never heard of before and knew nothing about.

I won’t be making that mistake again.

The post “Domestic Discipline is Abuse” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  Learning Domestic Discipline is returning to its regular posting schedule today, and what better way to get things back on track than by offering a brand new addition to our free download series!  Learning Domestic Discipline is proud to present its fifth free downloadable document – The HoH Packet.

Information about the LDD HoH Packet:

• The packet is a compilation of over 20 articles from the LDD blog that cover important head of the household topics and responsibilities such as lecturing, punishing, reinforcing, unique domestic discipline situations, HoH emotions, and more.
• The packet is over 50 pages in length.
• The packet is free to download as many times and as often as you want.

To get your copy of the LDD HoH Packet, please fill out the form below.  Thank you for your interest in the HoH Packet!  We hope you find the information useful and helpful.

Please note that a valid email address is required to download the LDD HoH Packet.  Your email address is required to download the packet only, and will not be used for any other purpose.

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The post Presenting The Downloadable HoH Packet! – Learning Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

There are many different types of domestic discipline. While Learning Domestic Discipline primarily focuses on the more traditional type (a male HoH and a female submissive partner) there are a variety of other domestic discipline alternatives. One of those, which has perhaps been around the longest is known as The Spencer Plan. Personally, we are not advocates of The Spencer Plan because there are no defined roles (among other reasons). However, we felt it was important to present alternative domestic discipline examples because we’re aware that the domestic discipline community is comprised of more than just the “traditional type” of domestic discipline couples.

What is The Spencer Plan?

The Spencer Plan is a method of domestic discipline created by a woman named Dorothy Spencer in the early 1930’s. In fact, some people believe it is the original domestic discipline method and the more traditional method of domestic discipline that we now practice was once derived from The Spencer Plan. Others believe that The Spencer Plan was developed after the traditional method of domestic discipline in an effort to answer one of the most popular questions surrounding the domestic discipline lifestyle- what happens when the HoH makes a mistake or breaks a rule?

The Spencer Plan is a version of domestic discipline that, essentially, has no defined roles. The man and woman are viewed as equal partners who have both chosen to incorporate domestic discipline, but neither one defines themselves as the head of the household, or the submissive partner. Both parties are subjected to the same rules and consequences dealt out by whoever is deemed the head of the household at that time.

This is best illustrated with an example. So, let’s say that a couple (we’ll call them John and Amanda) practice The Spencer Plan method of domestic discipline within their marriage and one of their rules is no going over budget. One day, Amanda goes out shopping with her friends and, without asking John, goes over budget. John then finds out, and he spanks Amanda for the broken rule/misbehavior. In that moment, John is the head of the household, and Amanda is the submissive partner. Sounds like typical domestic discipline, right? Well, let’s say a few weeks later John goes out with his buddies after work, and spends a little too much at the bar. He goes over budget. Amanda finds out, and she isn’t happy. So, she spanks John for the broken rule. In that situation, Amanda then becomes the head of the household and John then becomes the submissive partner.

The easiest way to sum up The Spencer Plan is by saying that the couple makes one rule list. Both couples are responsible for following that rule list, and failure to do so means that the opposite partner will hand out a consequence of their choosing.

Starting The Spencer Plan

The Spencer Plan is a little more complicated than just simply stating “the couple punishes one another”. The creator of the plan, Dorothy Spencer, put a lot of time and detail into molding the plan to a form that, she believed, worked the best. Like all aspects of domestic discipline, every relationship is different and every aspect of domestic discipline (whether it’s The Spencer Plan, the traditional method, or any other form) should be tailored specifically to the couples needs and wants.

The Spencer Plan starts by recommending that each couple sit down and create a list of “things that will produce discipline”. This could be things that irritate you about your partner, things that create frequent arguments, or just overall nuances of the relationship that you would like to create into rule form.

Once those are agreed upon, they become rules. Both parties in The Spencer Plan follow the same set of rules. That is one of the things that keeps it equal, and fair.

In what ways does The Spencer Plan differ from traditional domestic discipline?

The most obvious way that The Spencer Plan differs from traditional domestic discipline is that The Spencer Plan involves both parties holding each other accountable (whereas, in traditional domestic discipline, one person is the defined HoH and one person is the defined submissive partner and those roles do not vary).

However, where The Spencer Plan drastically differs from traditional domestic discipline is with the punishments. The Spencer Plan clearly states that “women are to be spanked, and men are to be whipped”. Essentially, that means that, under The Spencer Plan, the women can only be spanked with the palm of their partner’s hand. No implements are permitted to spank women. However, for men, it is the opposite. Men must only be spanked with implements (such as a strap, wooden paddle, or ruler).

Another difference is that the guilty person within a Spencer Plan relationship must always ask for the punishment. This means that, if the head of the household (at that moment) is ready to punish their partner for a broken rule they must not hand out the punishment until the submissive partner, at the moment, has asked for their punishment. The Spencer Plan believes that this rule helps to establish accountability with the guilty person, as well as helps to provide a consensual discipline situation at all times.

The Spencer Plan also states that no more than 2 spankings or whippings may be given in 1 day. With traditional domestic discipline it is not recommended that you punish more than two times a day either, but with The Spencer Plan you must “cap off” the punishments for either party at 2 per day.

Aftercare, in The Spencer Plan, is also handled a bit differently. With The Spencer Plan, it is said that after the woman is punished she should be given a brief hug, then left alone to calm down and collect herself. She must then go to her partner, apologize, and at that point the comforting afterwards begins. When a man is spanked (or, whipped as the plan refers to it as) there are no specific instructions as to how aftercare should be given with The Spencer Plan.

In spanking situations, The Spencer Plan rules state that the women must only be spanked on their bare bottom. However, men can be whipped either on their bare bottoms, or over the clothing. It is up to the woman, at that point, to determine how her partner will be whipped for that rule.

In what ways is The Spencer Plan similar to traditional domestic discipline?

The Spencer Plan and traditional domestic discipline may actually be alike in more ways than the average person may realize. Although they both differ greatly on many core aspects, the overall belief of  having a consequence, rules, and rewards structure helping to guide the relationship remains the same.

One core similarity between the two is that both domestic discipline relationship dynamics must be consensual with both parties involved. Domestic discipline, in any form, will not work without consent of both people.

Another similarity is that The Spencer plan, like traditional domestic discipline, does not advocate spanking in anger. Punishing while the head of the household is angry can lead towards a multitude of problems such as the submissive partner becoming resentful, the head of the household conducting the spanking much harsher than deserved, and more. So, this is advised against with both The Spencer Plan, and traditional domestic discipline.

Once a punishment is over, with both The Spencer Plan and traditional domestic discipline, that issue is to be closed, put in the past, and both parties should move on. The Spencer Plan does not believe in harboring feelings, or not wiping the slate clean, after a punishment and either does traditional domestic discipline.

Overall Thoughts

The Spencer Plan places a strong emphasis on consensually living this lifestyle, and equality within it. While that is, to an extent, true with traditional domestic discipline, The Spencer Plan takes both aspects a step further (with methods such as ensuring equal rules are in place, or ensuring that the partner who is about to be punished ask for, and admit to earning, their punishment beforehand).

Like traditional domestic discipline, those who live The Spencer Plan lifestyle advocate that it is the best, most peaceful way, to conduct your relationship. Those who live The Spencer Plan lifestyle often times started out practicing domestic discipline, but have changed over to The Spencer Plan after the question of “well what if the husband breaks a rule?” had come up too frequently.

Overall, The Spencer Plan is an alternative for those looking for domestic discipline in a more equal form. The Spencer Plan, like other aspects of domestic discipline, is not for everyone, and it does have pros and cons. But, if executed properly, it can help a couple to achieve both a domestic discipline lifestyle, and one that ensures fairness for both parties.

You can find out more about The Spencer Plan by checking out the following resources:

• The Spencer Spanking Plan Official Site (warning: there is nudity on that site)
• Spanking Classics: The Spencer Spanking Plan (an old forum discussion thread discussing The Spencer Plan)
• The Spencer Spanking Plan Article

The post Alternative Domestic Discipline Dynamics: The Spencer Plan appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  One of the most important components to the entire punishment process is the comforting between partners/spouses after a punishment has been administered.  It’s in these moments that the emotional connection between partners/spouses is magnified, strengthened and enhanced, which, for many couples, is a main reason why (if not the primary reason why) they choose to live the domestic discipline lifestyle.

  The moments just after a punishment are very vulnerable moments for both individuals in the relationship, particularly if the punishment happened to be a spanking.  It’s important this comforting take place in some form after all punishments, however, not just spankings.  Even something as simple as a hug and a kiss after corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, apology letters, etc. can help a couple to reconnect and strengthen that emotional bond between them. 

Why is comforting after a punishment so important? 

  In addition to the emotional connection between the couple being strengthened and enhanced, the comforting after a punishment also helps the wife feel forgiven, cared for, safe, protected, happy, and most importantly – loved.  You don’t need me to tell you that those are all extremely important things in a marriage. 

  The comforting after a punishment also helps the wife to remain focused on the infraction.  If no comforting takes place after the punishment, the wife may feel alone and/or abandoned by her husband (especially after a spanking), which may shift her focus to her feelings of resentment and/or emptiness rather than why she was punished in the first place.  That obviously would not help in getting the behavior corrected long term, and it wouldn’t do any favors for the relationship, either.

  For the HoH, there are two different perspectives to consider when it comes to the comforting after a punishment.  On one hand, showing compassion helps the husband to feel as though he’s doing his “job” by protecting his wife and being there for her emotionally.  He’s dependable, he’s reliable, he’s there in her time of need.  He can be counted on.  He can be trusted.  He’s seeing things through to the end.  That tends to make the husband feel good about himself, and tends to build his confidence (and the wife typically appreciates all of those things, too).

  On the other hand, the comforting after the punishment can help the husband feel cared for and loved as well.  Administering a punishment, particularly a spanking, can be an emotionally difficult thing for a husband to go through, just as it is for the wife.  He may be the one that needs the reassurance, the reaffirmation, the support – which, when given by the wife, makes the husband feel loved, cared for, happy, and in some instances, relieved. 

  There are a lot of delicate emotions involved after a punishment, particularly after a spanking.  It’s important both spouses are there for each other emotionally, offering reassurance, love, and support in those vulnerable moments.

If a husband were to comfort his wife after a punishment, wouldn’t that send the message to her that the mistake was okay?

  Not necessarily.  It’s pretty safe to say that most punished individuals already know that their mistake wasn’t “okay.”  That’s why they got punished to begin with.  Comforting after a punishment wouldn’t negate that. 

  If a husband does NOT comfort after a punishment, the wife may develop feelings of anger and/or resentment towards him, as briefly mentioned earlier.  She may feel as though he doesn’t care about her, or the relationship, or the domestic discipline aspect of their relationship.  She may feel alone and empty, or she may feel as though her husband isn’t working with her to achieve the common goals of the marriage.  It could potentially lead to arguments, discontent in the home, turmoil in the relationship, etc.  Nobody wants that (I hope).

  Let me just put it this way – not comforting after the punishment could potentially be very disruptive to the relationship, and the home.  That’s really the bottom line.  It wouldn’t send the message that the mistake was okay.

What’s the best way to comfort after a punishment?

  This depends a lot on the punishment, and the particular couple.  For instance, after a corner time punishment, a brief hug and a kiss may satisfy both partners.  Maybe after a bedroom time punishment, a couple prefers to cuddle up on the couch and just embrace for a while.  Maybe after a spanking, a couple prefers to cuddle up and embrace on the bed, hugging, kissing, and gently rubbing each others arms and back.  Whatever a couple chooses to do to show support and affection, it’s important it be done for the overall effectiveness of the punishment and the emotional health of the relationship.

  It’s always a good idea to offer words of encouragement, contrition, and love in these moments as well.  Saying things like, “You handled your punishment well.  Thank you,” or “I love you sweetheart,” or “I’m sorry for my mistake.  It won’t happen again,” etc. are always helpful in these moments.

  It’s also recommended that the husband reiterate at some point during the comforting that the wife’s behavior was inappropriate, unacceptable, etc.  He should briefly make it clear, one last time, that the behavior needs to stop/not happen again in the future, all while expressing himself calmly with genuine care and concern.

How long should the comforting last?

  After a spanking, it’s recommended the comforting continue until the wife is completely composed/calmed down and able to conduct herself “normally” without any tears, sniffling, etc.  That time frame may be five minutes or it may be an hour – it’ll differ for every couple, and it’ll depend heavily on the severity of the spanking.

  For a non-physical punishment (corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, soap in the mouth, etc.), the comforting afterward is recommended to be fairly brief.  In most instances these punishments require minimal comforting (in comparison to the comforting after a spanking), so it typically is only necessary for a minute or two.  If the comforting lasts any longer than that, it may become a bit awkward.  A meaningful hug, a gentle kiss, and a quick reminder from the HoH (or something similar to that) is sufficient in most non-physical punishment cases, which doesn’t take long at all.

  In a domestic discipline relationship/marriage, it’s important not to underestimate the power of comforting after a punishment.  The moment after a punishment, particularly after a spanking, is a very intimate moment between spouses, and a moment that “normal” relationships do not get to experience.  It’s these moments that make a domestic discipline relationship/marriage so unique and so special.  Embrace them, and take the time to make them great.  Your relationship/marriage will thank you for it.

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

The post Comforting After Punishment appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Like the term domestic discipline, the term submission means different things to different people. The dictionary defines submission as two things (that would work in this context). The first is “the condition of being submissive, humble or compliant” and the second is “the act of submitting to the authority or control of another.”

Submission can often times be one of the biggest challenges for the submissive partner in a domestic discipline relationship. I think, especially when beginning domestic discipline, some people assume that being submissive means a total lifestyle change, as well as a total mindset change. While that may hold true for some domestic discipline relationships, it can also be a big misunderstanding as to what the submissive aspect of domestic discipline truly entails.

I wanted to share with you a little bit about how submission in my marriage works. Please keep in mind that everyone practices domestic discipline different, and as I stated earlier, but my hope is that this short “essay” (if you will) will help others who are new to domestic discipline, or struggling with the submissive aspect, understand a little deeper about one way that submission can work for you (and, I promise, it’s not that hard!).

As many of you know, prior to becoming a mom (fyi- greatest day of my life) I was what some would consider a “career woman”. I went to college, grad school, part of med school, I worked in a few different settings (including the emergency room) and more. Being submissive to anyone just wasn’t in my blood. In fact, I thought the term submissive meant to do everything someone told you to, without thinking twice about it. The way my life was going, I was often in charge (in both home, work, and school settings) so being submissive to anyone just would never work. Or so I thought.

When I met my husband I gained a whole new outlook on what the word submissive meant. In some ways, I think I was submissive to him prior to the term domestic discipline even being introduced in our marriage. I became submissive because I developed a desire to make him happy. I’m not saying that by not being submissive he would have been mad (or anything like that) but what I am saying is it was just a natural feeling that came over me and his reaction to it was positive (like I think any man’s would be).

But in all other aspects of life, and towards all other people, I didn’t have any signs of submission. This isn’t to say that the “road to submission” was always easy, because there are definitely times when it wasn’t. It can be hard to turn over the control, or the power, to your spouse and essentially just “sit back”. But, I think it’s even harder, or more stressful, for someone to try to give up control in all areas. I think so many people who want to be the submissive partner in a domestic discipline relationship get caught up on making themselves into a submissive person, not necessarily just focusing on submitting to one person (their spouse, partner, and/or HOH).

I’m a submissive wife but I’m not necessarily a submissive person if that makes sense. I’m submissive to my husband only. Because of that, I’m constantly in a mindset where I’m submissive in my marriage, but not in other avenues of life such as planning playgroup events, work (when I was working), etc. Some refer to this “movement” as “wifely submission” (if it’s the wife who is the submissive partner) and others just refer to it as “submitting in their marriage”. But, regardless of the term you use, I want everyone to know that being submissive does not have to mean transforming yourself into a submissive person in all avenues of life. The task of that can be overwhelming for a lot of domestic discipline wives. In fact, a popular question we’re often asked is “I want to be submissive but I just can’t. What advice do you have?” and this is a part of that advice that I often give out- start small. Don’t feel like you need to totally transform everything about yourself.

To wrap this up, submission is an often misunderstood topic, especially in domestic discipline. A great site, Girls Gone Wise, did a post a few years back called “7 Misconceptions About Submission“. Although some of it is Biblical based, the message can translate well into people of all religions. I highly recommend reading it (it’s not long, I promise). Also, if you’re interested in learning more about submission in your marriage, there’s a book I highly recommend called The Surrendered Wife. I’m actually getting ready to read it again (for the second time) so more information or a more in-depth look at the book may be coming soon to the blog. There’s also a category on our blog called “Submissive Resources” that you may find helpful.

Have a wonderful (and safe!) 4th of July to all our American readers and, as always, a thank you to our troops both home and overseas who are fighting so hard for our freedom to be able to practice and believe in things such as domestic discipline. Please keep them in your thoughts as you celebrate tomorrow.

The post I’m a Submissive Wife appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Beginning a domestic discipline lifestyle can be full of challenges for a couple, regardless of how long they’ve been together, what domestic discipline dynamic they have chosen, or why they have chosen domestic discipline for their relationship. Below is a list of 5 challenges, or mistakes, that we have noticed many beginner couples face when starting domestic discipline and our advice on how to solve or avoid them all together.

  Please understand that the below list is just our advice, and that we encourage all domestic discipline couples (or, those considering beginning the lifestyle) to use the information on our site as a template for their domestic discipline relationship. We encourage you to take our advice and mold it into what would work the best for you and your relationship.

1) Over or under research: We encourage all couples to do plenty of research before beginning the domestic discipline lifestyle to see if it’s really right for them, and to learn more about how each aspect of domestic discipline works. Explore the lifestyle, talk to others in it, etc. So, it may seem odd that we start this entry off with “over or under research” being one of the five common mistakes. While we think research is extremely important, researching so much can sometimes be a bad thing. If you haven’t already discussed domestic discipline with your partner, and you research it constantly, it can lead to disappointment if your partner is not on board. We’ve also heard of instances where the person just becomes so involved with the idea of having domestic discipline as a part of their relationship that they refuse to take no for an answer, and won’t let it go. These are things that can end up proving to be detrimental to your relationship.

  On the flip side, not researching enough can also be problematic for some couples. It’s important to have a good idea of what domestic discipline is, what it is not, how it may work for your relationship, etc. before beginning domestic discipline. Failure to research enough could result in not fully knowing what you’re getting yourself into, or regret of starting the lifestyle. While consent can always be withdrawn at any time, we feel it’s always beneficial to research domestic discipline enough to where you have a great grasp on what it is, but not over research to the point where you become obsessed with the idea of having it.

2) Setting False Expectations: We think it’s important (and fun!) to connect with other domestic discipline couples, especially when first starting out. Whether that means just reading their personal blogs, interacting with other couples on domestic discipline forums (or elsewhere), meeting face to face, or something totally different – often times reading about other peoples domestic discipline experiences can give you a great insight into what a domestic discipline relationship is truly like.

  However, it can also become a problem very quickly when you begin to expect your domestic discipline relationship to mimic everything you’ve heard about online, read about on personal blogs, etc. Often times, people are disappointed when their HOH isn’t acting like the other HOH’s they’ve read about, or when they expect to be punished for something that their HOH has deemed no big deal, whereas their domestic discipline friends all have been punished for it….the list of examples could go on and on.

  It’s crucially important in domestic discipline to understand that no two couples practice domestic discipline in the same fashion. Everyone has different rules, guidelines, consequences, personalities, roles, and more. While it’s important to connect with other domestic discipline couples, we also feel it’s equally as important to make sure you understand, and remember, that your domestic discipline relationship will highly likely be different from others, and that’s okay! Don’t expect it to be exactly like everything you’ve read, researched, heard or seen. Make it your own and do what works for you.

3) Not Creating Boundaries Early On: We often get asked, “Why is it important to have a set rules list?”  Our answer is always the same – because it helps to create boundaries in domestic discipline, as well as a clear vision of what each person finds important. Often times when couples are first beginning domestic discipline they both struggle, to some degree, to fit into their roles. The HOH may struggle with enforcing the rules, or holding the submissive partner accountable, and the submissive partner may struggle with submitting to the HOH, following the rules, breaking old habits, etc.

  By having a rules list put in place, boundaries are immediately established within domestic discipline. This helps to make the transition of roles easier on both parties because the HOH has an idea of what type of things to hold the submissive partner accountable for, and what has been agreed on, and the submissive partner has an idea of what types of things will earn a consequence. It eliminates the “guessing game” right from the beginning.

4) Not Easing Into the Lifestyle: One of the biggest pieces of advice we always give those new to domestic discipline is to take it slow! There is no reason to rush into domestic discipline and begin implementing every consequence, or working on every aspect right away, especially if this is a relationship tool you’ll have forever. We’ve seen many domestic discipline couples rush into the lifestyle and then come back a few months later and say, “We tried to do too much and we don’t know how to fix it!”

  Don’t feel like you have to fix everything all at once. If the HOH has a list of things he/she would like changed, we recommend starting with 1 or 2 of the biggest, or most important, and focusing on those first. Then, slowly work your way into adding more rules and consequences as time goes on. We recommend the submissive partner also ease into domestic discipline by not expecting the HOH to fully grasp the leadership role right off the bat, and instead work beside the HOH to transition into domestic discipline together.

5) Not Being Fully Committed: This is another one of the most commonly asked questions we receive, and it’s typically comes from the submissive partner who is frustrated because the HOH is not acting fully committed to domestic discipline and they don’t know what to do. However, it can also come from the HOH who is frustrated that the submissive partner doesn’t seem to be taking domestic discipline seriously, among other things. This kind of goes along with what we were discussing above, which is not rushing into domestic discipline. One of the risks you run when you do rush into something like this is that one person (or both) become detached from the lifestyle somewhere along the way. It also puts you more at risk for inconsistency to develop in domestic discipline, which can lead to a myriad of different problems.

  Our advice is to make sure that both parties are fully on board before beginning domestic discipline and that outside influences, one partner being “pushy”, or anything other than the persons own free will and desires, brings them to domestic discipline. As we said above – don’t rush it! Some couples don’t begin domestic discipline for years after first bringing it up, while others begin almost immediately.

  In conclusion, there’s no right or wrong way to begin domestic discipline as long as it is consensual, and both parties truly want the lifestyle as part of their relationship. The above 5 mistakes, and tips, are simply ideas that can help you to make sure domestic discipline runs more smoothly in your relationship, as well as common problems you may encounter along the way. We hope this doesn’t deter anyone from beginning domestic discipline as that is obviously not our intention. We are simply providing another resource tool for people to become fully prepared for what domestic discipline is before beginning.

  If you experienced trouble beginning domestic discipline in your relationship, I’m sure those just starting the lifestyle would love to hear from you and how you overcame it! We encourage those who are more experienced with domestic discipline to reach out to those just beginning and share your tips, and advice, with them as we have.

  Also, off topic, but those of you who have been asking about the LDD Retreat, the month has been chosen thanks to an overwhelming amount of votes! We will be announcing the month, as well as registration details this weekend so keep an eye out for that.

Enjoy the rest of your week, everyone!

The post Beginning Domestic Discipline: 5 Common Mistakes & How to Avoid Them appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

I know we rarely ever post things on Thursdays, or out of schedule. Somehow, my organizational brain just hates doing things out of order, or not on schedule, but oh well. It’s good to mix things up a little, right? Although this won’t be a permanent thing, and our regular posting schedule will resume next week, this is an entry that I really wanted to write following my husband’s post yesterday titled “Domestic Discipline is Abuse”.

This is an entry that I think it’s important everyone read, whether you’ve been practicing domestic discipline for 20 years, or whether you’re extremely anti-domestic discipline and found our blog through an inaccurate media article, or other method. My husband did a fantastic job telling his side of domestic discipline yesterday. But, I wanted to share a few thoughts on domestic discipline from my point of view. Hopefully y’all don’t mind.

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I’m an all American girl. I grew up in a pretty great family with loving parents and a lot of siblings. I was a national cheerleader, a competitive gymnast, a soccer player and I ran track. I traveled the world, I was valedictorian, I went on to college, then grad school and earned a Master’s degree. I’ve interned, worked full time, started med school, got engaged and married my best friend, had an absolutely gorgeous child who I’m head over heels for, and the list goes on.

I’d describe my life as borderline perfect. There are minor things I would change (like I would have finished med school, or I would like to have had more children by now, and I wish we lived closer to our families) but, for the most part, I absolutely love my life. I want everyone to know that I am, legitimately, the happiest person in the world and those who truly know me can easily see that.

My life may sound similar to yours. Loving family, good grades, fun college years, an awesome husband and a gorgeous child. But, it also may be different in one small, but pretty important way. My husband and I practice domestic discipline.

Those who have been reading our website, or blog, for awhile now obviously know that pretty clearly. But, if you’re new, I want to give you an insight into what this lifestyle, or marriage tool, is all about.

In college, and grad school, I took 2 courses which I now could have easily renamed “Anti Domestic Discipline on Every Level” classes. The courses both covered gender roles, feminist theories, sociological theories of gender and sexuality, and things of that sort. Both professors, in a nutshell, went over how extremely important it is, for today’s society, that men and women have the same roles and ideals. We’re not just talking about “women should be paid the same as men”. This goes well beyond that into things such as there should be no defined roles within a household, workplace, or anywhere else. While this all sounded great at the time, a part of me wondered in the back of my head “doesn’t that sound like a recipe for chaos?”

I’ve always had pretty traditional marriage views. I’m the “old fashioned girl” who has always believed that families work significantly better when some sort of roles are defined. So, whether that means that the wife always makes dinner, or that the husband always handles the finances, I’ve seen first hand (through my own family, and many others) that it creates much less of a power struggle. So, when I met my husband, we entered into our relationship with a similar ideology. Things like decorating our house he easily left up to me, because I think he finds it boring to look at wall colors for hours at a time. And, things like the yard work I gladly said “babe, go for it!” because I have never even used a lawn mower before..nor do I really want to.

From watching high school, college, and grad school friends “grow up” and get married, I noticed a lot of them had very similar role structures. It made me wonder what the hell my college professor was talking about when she looked at our entire class of 100+ people and, point blank, told us all “roles, both in a relationship and in society, are outdated and do not belong in this century.” Everyone I’ve seen had some form of “roles” in their relationship or even at work. At one of my internships, it was my “role” to make sure that everyone’s schedules were placed on top of their desks each morning. By doing that, it made the entire day (and office) run smoother.

So, the bottom line is, I’d always grown up with the (what some consider) old-fashioned belief that everyone whether we’re talking about in a relationship, or at their job, or at school, or at home, needs to have defined roles.

Some may think that mindset transitions well into domestic discipline. But, those people would be wrong. As my husband mentioned in his post yesterday, when both of us first found out about domestic discipline we were adamantly against it. Yeah, I had the belief that a relationship needed roles, guidelines, and I’d even go as far as to say boundaries. I don’t want my husband staying out all night. He doesn’t want me to either. Boom. Guideline, boundary, rule, whatever you want to call it.

But, when we first heard about domestic discipline, we both were like, “it’s one thing to have rules, or things you ask your partner not to do. It’s another thing to actually have a repercussion for those.” And, as my husband said earlier, we did make a joke about it. Looking back, I regret that, but at the time this completely foreign concept had not only went against everything we were taught, but was something that I genuinely couldn’t imagine happening. I mean, c’mon, if your husband says “you’re grounded” how many wives would actually listen to that? Yeah. I wasn’t one of them either.

Something changed for us (or, maybe just for me at first? I’m not sure) when I saw that the one problem our relationship ever really had was just not getting anywhere. After a LONG time, and many different “remedies”, as a last ditch effort we (after a lot of conversation) decided to give domestic discipline a shot. Neither one of us thought it would work. Neither one of us were excited about it, and I think we were both like “well this will make a pretty entertaining story one day, years later.” We both chalked it up as “if it goes wrong, we never do it again, we move on, and continue to think it’s crazy.”

Neither one of us were prepared for the fact that it did work. Still with skepticism, although much less after that, we proceeded forward (super cautiously) and watched our relationship go from about an 8 on a 1-10 scale to a 10 in a pretty short amount of time. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that was solely because of domestic discipline, because it wasn’t. But, it was due to the foundation that domestic discipline helped lay out for us. My husband didn’t raise his voice anymore. He was way more cautious of how he acted. I was much more respectful, and things from BOTH of us that were, at once, an issue seemed like years ago instead of months. I can’t say domestic discipline saved our relationship, because we would have been fine without it. But, domestic discipline helped both of us in so many ways that our relationship was, and is, stronger than ever.

So how does domestic discipline work? Well, it’s simple and complex at the same time.

Domestic discipline is a small, but important, part of our marriage. I think most of you would be surprised to hear that we rarely talk about domestic discipline. We talk about Learning Domestic Discipline a lot (our visions for the site, different ideas we have, different projects we’re working on, future articles, etc.) but domestic discipline in our own marriage comes up infrequently, and only when it’s necessary. This is not something that consumes our marriage, nor our personal lives. We are your typical couple. We travel, we go on date nights, we spoil our son, we spend a ton of time together, we laugh, we talk, we disagree, we go to the lake, the beach, the mountains, the zoo, the park, the mall…domestic discipline does not define us.

The fact that my husband and I have chosen to implement a rules and consequence system in our marriage is something that is a lot more normal, and more common, than you all think. Your neighbors, your child’s teacher, your best friend, even your family members all could practice domestic discipline or a form of domestic discipline and you likely won’t know it. Domestic discipline does not define a couple. Domestic discipline plays a small role in peoples’ relationships, and domestic discipline comes in all forms. Some people practice domestic discipline without spanking. Some people practice domestic discipline where BOTH parties are accountable to rules and consequences (known as The Spencer Plan), some couples practice domestic discipline where there is no consequences, but there are rules. Domestic discipline does not have to be man spanks his wife for breaking a rule.

Back to our relationship- I get punished rarely. Sometimes it’s more frequent (like once a month) but sometimes it’s only about twice a year. That means that domestic discipline in our marriage could, in theory, only be brought up twice a year. And, when it does, it’s pretty short. Punishments don’t drag on for days, weeks- or even hours. So, just to reiterate, this is not a frequent thing.

We use 4 main forms of punishment: grounding, corner time, spankings, and writing lines. We present other forms on our blog as options to those who are in domestic discipline relationships (or want to be) because we fully understand that domestic discipline is not always practiced the way that we do. No two couples practice domestic discipline the same way.

Spankings are the most severe form of punishment. There have been severe ones (for severe offenses) that I would rank at about an 8 on a 1-10 pain scale. For the very large majority of them (i.e.- all of them except maybe 3 I’ve ever had?) I would rank significantly less.

There is an ongoing debate in this world about whether or not spanking is abusive. This is something that parents, educators, psychologists, doctors, and more have argued about and will continue to argue about for a very long time. The fact that people call domestic discipline abusive is not surprising to me. However, if you’re completely educated on the topic of domestic discipline, I think you’d feel differently. You may not ever agree with it. You may not ever incorporate it into your marriage. But, to speak as if you know all about it is mind boggling.

You may have read an article recently that was published in a well known media outlet. I did an interview with the reporter for over an hour. Like most media outlets, the reporter altered, twisted, or otherwise changed (and, in one case flat out made it up) a very very very large majority of what I said to make it appear as if domestic discipline was a cult-like, abusive, thing. It’s unfortunate that it happened. But, in that article, it was painted (based on completely inaccurate, twisted, manipulated, or otherwise altered statements) that domestic discipline was abusive. After reading that article, I think anyone would think that.

I don’t want to be a bully, or a total bitch, and tell you all that you’re wrong for thinking that. After all, you can think whatever you want to think. I’m not out to change your mind. Some may say I’m out to “open your minds” and in a way that’s true. Become educated on what domestic discipline truly is, then make up your mind. That’s my advice.

How is domestic discipline not abuse?

First let me say that I am answering this question based on our marriage. I cannot tell you that every single marriage with domestic discipline is not abusive. On the same token, I cannot tell you that every single marriage without domestic discipline is not abusive. Abuse can happen in a relationship whether domestic discipline (in any form) is present or not.

In my marriage, domestic discipline is not abusive. It’s actually not even close.

Abuse comes in 3 forms: psychological (also referred to as emotional), physical and sexual. They are defined as:

Psychological: “Emotional abuse, mental abuse A form of mistreatment in which there is intent to cause mental or emotional pain or injury; PA includes verbal aggression, statements intended to humiliate or infantilize, insults, threats of abandonment or institutionalization; PA results in stress, social withdrawal, long-term or recalcitrant depression, anxiety”.

My husband has never been verbally aggressive towards me, he doesn’t humiliate me (or make statements intended to), he has never threatened to abandon me, and I don’t have depression, anxiety, withdrawal, etc. The bottom line, according to this definition, there’s no way anyone would ever insinuate emotional, or psychological abuse.

Physical: “One or more episodes of aggressive behavior, usually resulting in physical injury with possible damage to internal organs, sense organs, the central nervous system, or the musculoskeletal system of another person.”

Nothing about domestic discipline in my marriage is aggressive. It’s actually not even close. Not to give you guys a medical lesson, but it also doesn’t cause any damage (at all..) to internal organs, sensory organs, your central nervous system (which is your brain, and your spinal cord) or my musculoskeletal system. Spankings occur only on the bottom in our marriage, and there is zero physical injury to any other area. Furthermore, if spanking (anyone, whether a child or adult) were deemed as physical abuse then it would be completely illegal. But, it isn’t. In the United States (as well as other countries) spanking is still used in several (like over 100) school districts. I could go on and on, but the point is, it doesn’t fall under the physical abuse definition. Neither do any of the other punishments I’ve EVER experienced during domestic discipline.

Sexual: “The sexual mistreatment of another person by fondling, rape, or forced participation in unnatural sex acts or other perverted behavior. Victims tend to experience a traumatic feeling of loss of control of themselves.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone describe domestic discipline as sexually abusive, but I figured I would include it anyway since it IS a type of abuse. My husband has never raped me, fondled me, forced me to have sex (or any sexual acts) and the list continues. Not only does this have nothing to do with domestic discipline at all, but it’s never occurred in my relationship.

Alright so there you have it. When people outright call domestic discipline abuse (without fully knowing what it is), I’m unsure what type of abuse they are referring to. But, whatever type it is, neither mine nor any of the domestic discipline relationships I’ve ever known/seen have encountered any form of any of the above types. You may think domestic discipline is wrong. You may think it’s immoral. You may think it’s completely screwed up. But to call it abuse, from a factual standpoint, is incorrect.

What happens if your husband breaks a rule? 

As with the above question, I’m answering pertaining to our domestic discipline marriage. However, in our marriage my husband is the leader. He sets the rules (that we both mutually agreed upon) and the consequences (that we both mutually agreed upon). I don’t set rules, or create consequences for him. I don’t do this for 2 reasons. The first is because it feels unnatural to me. Being the leader of my husband, or our house, I think would create a power struggle. I also don’t think I’m “dominant” enough to ever carry out any sort of punishment. It’s just not in me, and it’s not what I’m used to. The second reason is because I strongly believe our relationship works great how it is, and I don’t want to change it.

So, with that being said, my husband doesn’t have “rules”. But, there are things I strongly prefer he not do. For example- spend excessive amounts of money, stay out all night, etc. Thankfully neither of those have ever been a problem for us. There are also smaller things like if we’re apart I like when he checks in every few hours so I know he’s alright, and things like that.

If he weren’t to do those things, I wouldn’t punish him because that’s not the dynamic we’ve chosen for our marriage. However, some couples DO, and that dynamic is often referred to as The Spencer Plan. This goes back to what I was saying earlier which is that domestic discipline is practiced in many forms.

How does this not make you feel like a child?

This can be hard to explain in words (especially on a computer screen) but I will do my best.

To me, I don’t feel like a child because of two reasons. The first is the emotional difference. I look at it as my husband punishing me as his wife. Not as a father, or a child. This is a difference that no one, outside of domestic discipline, will likely be able to understand. But, it’s the truth. It’s a different feeling, and because I view it differently, the parent/child thought never, ever, crosses my mind.

The second is that I have choices, freedom, and in theory I can do whatever I want. For example, if I’m grounded, but I WANT to go out to the mall, I could. I could take my car keys, my wallet, and jump in the car and go. I’m not locked in. My keys aren’t taken away. My wallet doesn’t disappear. I can do whatever I want. But, some actions have consequences attached to them (just like in all aspects of life, even non-DD aspects). So, it’s just a different dynamic all around. I have control, or power. I have the ability to do whatever I want. I’m an adult. 

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This article is getting really long, so I need to wrap it up. In conclusion, I just want to say the following:

• Domestic discipline is consensual. Both parties mutually agree to live the lifestyle in whatever form is right for them. As I mentioned earlier, that does not always mean spanking. That does not always mean consequences. That does not always mean “the husband spanks the wife”. Domestic discipline comes in many forms.
• Domestic discipline is not abuse. As I illustrated in one of the (many) paragraphs above, domestic discipline, by definition, is not abusive.  
• You don’t have to agree with domestic discipline. You don’t have to practice it. You can think whatever you want. But please don’t believe everything you read in the media, or one inaccurate news article that was completely false. Do your own research on domestic discipline then come to your own conclusion.

We incorporate domestic discipline into our marriage because it works for us. We don’t believe that it’s for every marriage. We don’t believe that you need to be a Christian to practice domestic discipline or that the two are even closely related. But we do believe that it’s for our marriage. 

-Chelsea 

The post “Domestic Discipline is Abuse?” Part 2: Chelsea’s Story appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Some of you may have noticed the recent media attention that Learning Domestic Discipline has drawn over the past week. We have debated back and forth on whether or not to address it, or to move forward with LDD as scheduled. We’ve decided to do both. For those expecting a Mailbag Monday article today, we’ll resume our regular scheduled Mailbag Monday posts next week.

The primary reasons we’re addressing this are due to the large number of inaccuracies reported in the media about us personally, about Learning Domestic Discipline, and about the domestic discipline lifestyle in general. We feel we should be able to tell our side of the story, and although we know this will likely not change the naysayers minds, we hope that it at least helps them to separate fact from fiction.

To be clear, Learning Domestic Discipline is not a Christian Domestic Discipline website.

If you’ve been reading Learning Domestic Discipline for the past couple of years, you likely understand that already. But, for those who are new to our website, we want to make that perfectly clear. Domestic discipline has several different “branches”, and one of those is Christian Domestic Discipline. Other “branches”, or dynamics, in the domestic discipline lifestyle include The Spencer Plan dynamic and the FLR (“female led relationship”) dynamic. Finally, the last “branch”, or dynamic, is the traditional dynamic, which is primarily what Learning Domestic Discipline covers, although our articles can easily be adapted to fit the different branches (or dynamics).

We also do not practice Christian Domestic Discipline in our own marriage. Despite what you may have read in the multiple inaccurate and irresponsible media reports, we (Clint and Chelsea) do not practice Christian Domestic Discipline, and nowhere on our blog, website, forums, social network, eBooks, etc. have we ever claimed differently. We have always practiced the traditional form of domestic discipline and although we do believe in God, and are Christians, we do not believe in or support many of the Christian Domestic Discipline principles and ideologies that are outlined on the Christian Domestic Discipline website(s). Furthermore, we do not justify our domestic discipline practices with any specific religion.

The confusion comes from the following:

A few weeks ago, we were contacted by a reporter at The Daily Beast. Her original email was very brief. She indicated she was doing a piece on Christian Domestic Discipline and asked if we would be willing to share our thoughts. Since we are familiar with Christian Domestic Discipline and its principles, we agreed. Our goal has always been to spread the word of domestic discipline to others. With Christian Domestic Discipline being a branch of the bigger domestic discipline picture, we viewed this interview as a positive thing.

As soon as the interview became very personal (as in about our own marriage, and not about the CDD lifestyle) I immediately told the reporter numerous times that although we were Christian, we do not identify our marriage as a Christian Domestic Discipline one. I further went on to tell her that we do not believe in many of the CDD principles, although we have nothing against those who do. Unfortunately, that important piece of information was conveniently left out of the article and was replaced with several misinterpreted, twisted, manipulated, edited, and completely made up statements to sensationalize her article. From there, numerous other media outlets picked up the story and it went viral. However, the fact remains that the other media outlets took their information directly from the original inaccurate Daily Beast article and therefore were inaccurate as well.

We understand that many people will not agree with the domestic discipline lifestyle, and may never agree with it. However, we feel as though we are being portrayed and targeted as a Christian Domestic Discipline couple/website and that is not what we are, or what our website represents. If you take the time to read many of the LDD articles, this will become very clear to you very quickly.

We want readers to know and understand the following things about the domestic discipline lifestyle:

1. Christian Domestic Discipline is a branch of domestic discipline. Not all couples that practice domestic discipline practice Christian Domestic Discipline. In fact, a fairly small percentage of domestic discipline couples do. There are websites dedicated to Christian Domestic Discipline which you can find here, as well as other places around the web. Learning Domestic Discipline is not one of them.
2. Everyone seems very focused on the spanking aspect of the lifestyle. Spanking is a small (and, in many marriages, rare) aspect of domestic discipline. In fact, there are couples who choose to practice the domestic discipline lifestyle without including spanking at all. Spanking does not define domestic discipline. 
3. Domestic discipline is a consensually agreed upon lifestyle, and that consent can be withdrawn at any time by either partner.
4. The head of the household in a domestic discipline relationship is not always male. There are many other dynamics of domestic discipline where the female is the head of the household (FLRs), or the rules and consequences are equally shared between both partners (this is known as The Spencer Plan).

And finally, to the domestic discipline community (and beyond) who has sent us an overwhelming amount of support in the form of emails, comments, text messages, and more – we are thankful and grateful. Our vision for Learning Domestic Discipline has never changed, and never will. We aim to present all forms of the domestic discipline lifestyle with true, correct, and accurate information to readers all around the world. We also aim to provide those who are currently in domestic discipline relationships, or those who wish to be, with resources and information to ensure that they do not feel so lost and/or alone in the lifestyle. These visions will never change, despite the fact that Learning Domestic Discipline is growing at a very rapid rate.

We remain committed to this lifestyle, the community, and each other. We also remain committed to making sure that those interested in domestic discipline, regardless of their opinion of it, know and understand the truth about this relationship dynamic.

Thank you, and best wishes to all.

– Clint and Chelsea

Also, for those interested, Chelsea addressed and clarified the specific inaccuracies of the media articles in the comments section of her latest post, “Domestic Discipline is Abuse?” Part 2: Chelsea’s Story.

The post Learning Domestic Discipline Does Not Equal Christian Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

I want to start this post off with a quick little exercise.  It’s optional, of course, but I think it will interesting if nothing else.  We’re about to dive into the whole spanking vs. hitting debate, and before getting into it, let’s first find out what these two words mean to you.  Then, at the end of the post, you can compare your answers with mine, and we’ll see how similar they are.  Sound like a plan?  Okay, terrific.

  If you’re participating in this mini exercise, go ahead and grab a writing utensil and some paper, or pull up the notepad or Microsoft Word program or whatever else you may use on your smart little computing device and give your most balanced, well-thought-out answers to the following two questions:

1) – When you read or hear the word “hitting”, in the context of human interaction, what thoughts immediately come to mind?  

2) – When you read or hear the word “spanking”, in the context of human interaction, what thoughts immediately come to mind?  

  Once you’re finished, set it aside and continue reading on with this post, pretty please (you know, if you want to).

  Before doing any research on these two terms, they already mean two drastically different things in my mind (which you’ll see at the end of this post).  It’s very easy for me to differentiate the two, and that has absolutely nothing to do with semantics, or technicalities, or linguistics, or anything else of the sort.  They wouldn’t be two different words if they meant the same exact thing.  That’s my take on things, anyway.

  So what’s the difference between the words “spanking” and “hitting”?  What are their true meanings?  How blurry are the lines between these two words when it comes to their definitions, intentions, and interpretations?  What’s the meaning of life?  I want to know, by golly, and I’m going to educate myself.  Call me crazy, but I find this debate to be interesting and worth my time.  “Crazy” wouldn’t be the worst thing I’ve ever been called.  Not. Even. Close.  My 4th grade teacher had MUCH more colorful words to say about me.

  Hopefully you, the reader, learn a little something as well.  That’s the goal, my friends.  That’s the goal.

  As I gathered my things (literally my computer only) to embark down this journey together with so many of my friends (all zero of them), I thought to myself, “Self, let’s do this the right way.  Let’s do this with no bias and no fabrication whatsoever.  Let’s gather the most accurate information from the most credible resources we can find and present it to the people in an unbiased manner.“  Great idea, Self.  I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

  Taking the wonderful advice of Self, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  As I examine these two words, “spanking” and “hitting”, I’m going to do my best to leave my personal bias out of it.  My personal opinion will come at the end of this article.  You’ll know it as such, since I will write “IN MY OPINION” in large bold capital letters preceding my opinion.

  The following information is presented in the truest, most unbiased, and accurate way I am capable of presenting it.  Self has put a lot of pressure on me to do this the right way.

HIT or HITTING

The following definition(s) of the word “hit” are taken word-for-word from the Merriam-Webster website:

As a transitive verb:

1. To reach with or as if with a blow.
2. To come in contact with.
3. To strike (as a ball) with an object (as a bat, club, or racket) so as to impart or redirect motion.
4. To cause to come in contact.
5. To deliver (a blow) by action.
6. To apply forcefully or suddenly. Example given: “Hit the brakes.”

As an intransitive verb:

1. To strike a blow.
2. To arrive with a forceful effect like that of a blow. Example given: “The storm hit.”
3. To come in contact with something.

  All of the definitions of the the word “hit” above are included because they pertain, or may potentially pertain, to human interaction, which is the context and purpose of this post.  Other definitions of “hit” or “hitting” were not included as they were not relevant to the argument. (i.e. we really hit it off, he ordered a hit on his ex-wife, he was hitting on her at the club, etc.).  For a complete and comprehensive definition of “hit” or “hitting” from the Merriam-Webster website, click here.

  It’s worth noting that the linked Merriam-Webster webpage does not include the word “spank” as a synonym to “hit”, nor does it include “spank” as a related word.

The following definition(s) of the word “hit” are taken word-for-word from the World English Dictionary website:

1. To deal (a strike or a blow) to (a person or thing); strike.
2. To come into violent contact with.
3. To make or cause to make forceful contact; knock or bump.  Example given: “I hit my arm on the table.”
4. To propel or cause to move by striking.  Example given: “To hit a ball.”

  Once again, all of the definitions of the word “hit” above are included because they pertain, or may potentially pertain, to human interaction.  Other definitions of “hit” or “hitting” were not included as they were not relevant to the argument.  For a complete and comprehensive definition of “hit” or “hitting” from the World English Dictionary website, click here.

The following definition(s) of the word “hitting” are taken from Google when searching the term, “Hitting definition.“

1. Bring one’s hand or a tool or weapon into contact with (someone or something) quickly and forcefully.
2. Accidentally strike (part of one’s body) against something, often causing injury.

SPANK or SPANKING

The following definition of the word “spank” is taken word-for-word from the Merriam-Webster (dictionary) website:

As a transitive verb:

1. To strike especially on the buttocks with the open hand.

The following definition of the word “spank” is taken word-for-word from the Merriam-Webster (thesaurus) website:

As a noun:

1. A hard strike with a part of the body or an instrument.

  It’s worth noting that the linked Merriam-Webster (thesaurus) webpage does include the word “hit” as a synonym to “spank”, but it does not include “hit” as a related word.

The following definitions of the word “spank” and “spanking” are taken word-for-word from the World English Dictionary website:

1. To strike (a person, usually a child) with the open hand, a slipper, etc., especially on the buttocks, as in punishment.
2. A blow given in spanking; a smart or resounding slap.
3. To slap or smack with the open hand, esp on the buttocks.
4. A slap or a series of slaps with the flat of the hand.
5. (Spanking definition) – A series of spanks, esp on the buttocks, usually as a punishment for children.

The following definition of the word “spanking” is taken from Google when searching the term, “Spanking definition.“

1. An act of slapping, esp. on the buttocks as a punishment for children.

  As you know, all of the definitions of the words “spank” and “spanking” above are included because they pertain, or may potentially pertain, to human interaction.  Other definitions of “spank” or “spanking” were not included as they were not relevant to the argument. (i.e. brand spanking new, we had a spanking good time, etc.).  For a complete and comprehensive definition of “spank” or “spanking” from the Merriam-Webster website, click here.  For a complete and comprehensive definition of “spank” or “spanking” from the World English Dictionary website, click here.

IN MY OPINION

  See, I told you I’d let you know when my opinion was forthcoming.  It’s forthcoming.  Doing all this research makes me feel like I’m in college again.  Yippie.

  I think, after researching, examining, studying, and interpreting the definitions of both “hit(ting)” and “spank(ing)” outlined above, there is little question as to how similar these two words are.  When these two words are stripped down to face value and taken in context of black and white definitions only, there is no question, at least in my estimation, that they are fairly close to being the same thing.

  When one individual spanks another, there’s no denying that “hitting” is involved.  One is “hitting” another with an open hand or implement directly on the buttocks.  The difference between the two terms that stands out to me the most, based on the definitions above, is that the “spanking” definitions given by all three sources make it quite clear that “spanking” is done especially on the buttocks.  None of the “hitting” definitions include that small, yet very important, piece of information.

   From two of the three sources, the definitions of “spanking” refer to the disciplining of children.  I don’t disagree with the validity of that since the spanking of children is most definitely prevalent in today’s society.  However, I do challenge the completeness of those definitions since clearly the spanking of consenting adults, for whatever reason those consenting adults may have for doing so, is prevalent in today’s society as well.

  Perhaps the biggest problem I have with every single definition above, for both “hit(ting)” and “spank(ing)”, is that there is no mention of intent behind either action.  “Hitting” definitions use terms such as “forcefully and suddenly”, and “violent contact with”, but there’s no mention of one’s intent when “hitting” another.  Likewise, there’s no mention of intent of one individual “spank(ing)” another in any of the definitions of the word(s), either.   To me, intent behind both “hitting” and “spanking” is the biggest differentiating factor between the two.  There’s not one single mention of intent behind either action in any of the definitions above from what I consider to be three credible sources.  Perhaps that’s due to the difficultly of proving intent of either action when put into question, which is certainly a valid argument, but I do feel intent is an important component to the definitions of both terms.  The fact that all of these sources exclude intent from their definitions keeps the lines blurred when it comes to defining and differentiating characteristics of the two actions.

Having said all that, I’m now going to answer the two questions I asked you to answer at the beginning of this post.

1) – When you read or hear the word “hitting”, in the context of human interaction, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

  When I read or hear that one individual “hit” another, I immediately think of “hitting” in this context as an impulsive action with intent to physically harm.  I generally think of it as a provoked response to a negative or painful stimulus (i.e. a hurtful word exchange between two people, or a reaction to another individual intentionally inflicting physical harm upon you).  I think the action of “hitting” is primarily done out of anger or emotional pain triggered by provocation.  I think of closed fists, I think of the action being done anywhere on the body (arm, chest, face, head, etc.), I think of malicious intent, and most importantly, I think of no consent given from the individual being “hit.”

2) – When you read or hear the word “spanking”, in the context of human interaction, what thoughts immediately come to mind?

  When I read or hear that one individual “spanked” another, I primarily think of the act of “spanking” as being done in a controlled environment with a controlled demeanor, and with loving intent.  I also think of “spanking” as strikes falling directly on the buttocks (not anywhere on the body, as I do “hitting”), for the primary purpose of physical correction in response to a negative action or behavior.  I think of calm premeditation, and I think of all individuals involved being  in complete control of themselves and their actions, fully understanding and consenting to what they’re doing and what situation they’re in.

  I also think of “spanking” as a harmless, playful expression of love between two people.  I think one can “spank” another to show affection.  I think of this in both the context of a sexual encounter, or in the context of every day life.  For example, I think of a husband calmly and playfully striking, or “spanking”, his wife on the buttocks a few times in passing, with no intent to harm or injure whatsoever, as a physical act and expression of love.

  And, simply for full disclosure and completeness, I also think of spanking children as discipline, but since this is an adult domestic discipline blog, I will not elaborate further on that. 

  The biggest difference in my two answers to these questions is the intent behind the actions.  I feel that “hitting” is done to intentionally harm or injure, and I feel “spanking” is done to intentionally and lovingly correct, as well as to intentionally express love and acceptance of another.  Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your position in the debate, the intent of both actions was not included in any of the provided definitions.

  As I said, the stripped down, black and white definitions of “hitting” and “spanking” are quite similar when taken at face value.  I acknowledge that, I accept that, and I do not deny that.  I completely understand why a person would feel that the two actions are “the same thing.”  When looking at the definitions, that’s an easy conclusion to come to.  Semantically, at face value, they’re very close to being the same thing.  I would argue, however, that for as close as the definitions are to each other, they do have differences.  I acknowledge that, I accept that, and I do not deny that as well.  The differences may be slight but they are there, and in my opinion those differences are significant.

  So how similar to my answers were your answers to these two questions?  Do you think “hitting” and “spanking” are the same thing?  Why or why not?  I’d love to hear your opinion and/or feedback if you’d like to share it in the comments section below.

The post “Spanking” vs. “Hitting” – The Great Debate appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Since the launch of Learning Domestic Discipline back in 2011 we have over 250 articles on a variety of domestic discipline topics. However, one of the popular topics that we haven’t discussed much (until now!) is the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. This is a topic that we get asked about a lot, but for one reason or another, haven’t included it as part of our blog until now.

If you missed our big personal announcement last Friday, we are super excited to share with you all that we are expecting our second child! So, while a large majority of the domestic discipline community (or, those thinking about beginning domestic discipline) may find this post helpful, it also hits home personally for us.

First, let us say that this post (like all posts on our blog) is simply a recommendation, and these are just our thoughts, opinions, and suggestions as to how to practice domestic discipline while pregnant. We strongly encourage each couple to make the best decisions for their relationship and, should they choose to, use the advice below as a template to help guide them in their decision process. The below opinions, thoughts, and advice is not meant to substitute for any doctor opinion when it comes to the topic of domestic discipline while pregnant. We understand this is a controversial topic, and we are presenting it here because we think it will help a lot of people who are in this, or will be in this, situation. With that being said, below are our thoughts.

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We’ve said it before on our blog, but we’ll say it again — domestic discipline is a lifelong commitment. It is not something that can easily be turned off/on. So, with that being said, when a couple first chooses to adopt the domestic discipline lifestyle into their marriage, they may start to ask themselves how it will work with their future life plans. If one partner is military, how will domestic discipline work when that partner is deployed? If moving is in the plans for the future, how will domestic discipline work in the midst of all the chaos? What about living with family, or a roommate? What about domestic discipline with children around — how do we make that work? Or, before we even get to having children around, what about domestic discipline when the woman is pregnant?

Practicing domestic discipline while pregnant is much more difficult than domestic discipline under normal circumstances. However, it can be done and we recommend couples do not stop the domestic discipline lifestyle when a couple becomes pregnant (but we do recommend they make several modifications).

We don’t recommend stopping the lifestyle all together for several reasons:

• It can be hard to start back up when the couple is ready. Several couples who have started/stopped the lifestyle over the years find that it’s really difficult to “pick back up where they left off” without some form of challenges whether that be consistency, starting over with the rules, etc.
• If the submissive partner knows that the rules/consequences aren’t there anymore, it can be frustrating for the HOH to watch them slip back into old behaviors that, at one point, may have caused them to begin domestic discipline in the first place.
• It can add conflict and stress to the relationship.

and many more.

Note: The above list is solely focusing on why we do not recommend stopping/starting the lifestyle during pregnancy only. Obviously, in other circumstances such as one partner not feeling like domestic discipline is working for them anymore, etc., we recommend couples explore the idea of stopping domestic discipline if they feel it isn’t helping or enhancing their relationship.

However, as we stated above, we strongly recommend that several modifications be made to the lifestyle throughout the pregnancy. The below list of modifications is made based upon the assumption that the submissive partner is the female in the relationship who is pregnant. If the couple practices an FLR (female-led relationship) style of domestic discipline, then the below modifications wouldn’t necessarily apply to them.

1. Remove spanking as a consequence. (More about this below)
2. We recommend that the HOH be more lenient on the submissive partner than usual. Make a mental list of offenses that you absolutely can’t tolerate, whether she is pregnant or not (such as safety related offenses) and then another list of rules that you had in your relationship prior to the pregnancy that you can set aside, or not be as strict with, during the pregnancy.
3. Domestic discipline should never be the focus of your relationship. It’s meant to be a relationship tool that helps your relationship. So, it’s important (especially during pregnancy) to not stress about domestic discipline or how this is all going to fit together. Focus on your baby, your health, etc. and let domestic discipline only come up when it’s needed (i.e.- when a rule is broken).

Spanking During Pregnancy

For most domestic discipline couples (but not all), spanking is a consequence that they implement into their relationship. The topic of spanking during pregnancy has became very controversial over the years. Some will say that they spanked throughout their whole pregnancy and everything was fine. Others have even asked their doctor who indicated it was fine as well. But, then there are some who are not comfortable with it, or say they, too, have asked their doctor or researched it online and have found it is not a safe option. So, like most things in pregnancy, the questions of “is it safe?” and “should we do it?” naturally arise quite frequently.

We don’t recommend spanking, or doing any physical punishments, while pregnant. While it might be true that it is safe for both the expectant mother, and the baby, to us it is not worth taking that risk. We don’t recommend doing anything (while pregnant, or not pregnant) that could have a safety risk, such as this, even remotely close to being associated with it. Aside from the safety aspect, it can also be pretty uncomfortable for the submissive partner which is not the point of domestic discipline.

In place of spanking, we recommend alternate punishments be used when severe rules are broken. Obviously these punishments may not have the same severity level as a spanking would, so we recommend that the HOH take that into consideration. Some examples of alternate punishments are:

• Removing Privileges/Grounding
• Corner Time
• Bedroom Time
• Writing Lines
• Apology Letters/Journal Entries

If a couple does choose to use spanking while pregnant, that’s their choice and we respect that. The above are just our recommendations and viewpoints on the subject. However, if a couple does choose to spank while pregnant we recommend the following tips as to avoid the potential risks that spanking while pregnant can cause:

• Use less dense implements (or, no implements at all) such as a wooden spoon, tilt wand, light hairbrush, spatula, etc. and avoid the use of denser objects such as a paddle.
• Be cautious of the position that you choose to spank in, and make sure that there is not too much pressure placed on the submissive partner’s stomach.
• Avoid spanking late in the third trimester (or, choose to avoid severe spankings late in the third trimester) as it can cause the submissive partner’s blood pressure to rise, which can trigger labor.

  Once again, these are just our opinions and recommendations on domestic discipline while pregnant. We encourage each couple to evaluate their own situation and do what’s best for them, and their relationship.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic as well.  Feel free to contact us by clicking here, or leave a comment below.

Have a great week, everyone!

The post Domestic Discipline While Pregnant appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

  Learning Domestic Discipline is pleased and proud to announce the latest document available in the free download series — The Submissive Packet!

  Last month the Download Site launched, which is the newest entity to the Learning Domestic Discipline website.  There you’ll find all LDD eBooks, as well as all of the free LDD Downloads including The Beginners Packet, the Spanking Packet, the HoH Packet, Contract examples, Journal examples, three domestic discipline podcasts, and now the latest downloadable addition — the brand new Submissive Packet.

Some information about the LDD Submissive Packet:

• The new Submissive Packet has two unique features that the other free downloads do not have — 1) Five sections for organization and easier readability, and 2) a number of “Personal Touch” articles.  “Personal Touch” articles are articles written by us (primarily Chelsea, the submissive partner in our marriage) about our own personal experiences in domestic discipline.  We’ve included them in hopes that they make the content more relatable to the reader.
• The Submissive Packet is a collection of over 30 articles taken from the LDD blog compiled into one easy-to-read PDF file.
• The Submissive Packet is over 90 pages long — the biggest LDD downloadable packet to date!
• Like the other LDD packets, the Submissive Packet is completely free to download, and can be downloaded and printed off as many times as you want.

To get your free copy of the brand new LDD Submissive Packet, click here!

The post The LDD Submissive Packet! – Learning Domestic Discipline appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.

Hi everyone!

Before we get into this week’s post, I know many of you are anxious to hear the details of the Learning Domestic Discipline 2014 Retreat. Earlier this week (on Monday) we launched the brand new LDD Retreat website which features all the information we think you will need to know about the retreat, as well as important registration information.

You can view the new retreat website, and all the retreat details, by clicking here.

As always, if you have any questions, we would be happy to help you! Feel free to contact us by clicking here.

And, as a reminder, we have a info-packed newsletter going out this Friday with tons of information about upcoming projects, the LDD Retreat, and more! Make sure you receive it by signing up for our newsletter.

And now, onto this weeks post on a very common topic: Singles in Domestic Discipline.

Enjoy your first week of September, everyone!

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A question we often get comes from those who are single, but believe in the domestic discipline dynamic. How do I find someone who believes in domestic discipline too? How do I bring it up? Do you have any tips for me? These are just a few of the questions we have received over the years from many different individuals who want the domestic discipline dynamic, but are single and don’t know where to even begin in searching for it.

Below we will break down each question with our thoughts.

How do I find a partner who believes in domestic discipline?

This is probably the most common question on this topic that we receive, and also one of the trickiest. Upon first glance, it can be hard to tell when someone believes in domestic discipline as well, or if they’ve ever even heard of the concept. When you first meet someone trying to gauge their feelings on the lifestyle can be nearly impossible.

One of the tips we always give people in this situation is to build a relationship on something other than domestic discipline. This means get to know a person, or date, in an environment you normally would (meeting through friends, online dating, co-workers, etc.) and then bring up domestic discipline when you feel the time is right (more about that later). This way, your relationship is already established on the core values that we feel you need in a domestic discipline relationship such as trust, honesty, respect, communication, and more.

With that being said, when searching for a partner who also would agree with domestic discipline, you may wish to look towards people who have natural leadership qualities (if you are searching for an HOH) or natural submissive qualities (if you are searching for a submissive partner). These are traits that you can often see in a person without even bringing up the concept of domestic discipline.

Another way to find a partner who believes in domestic discipline is to look online. Like we mentioned above, we recommend couples build a relationship first and then incorporate domestic discipline when the time is right, but this is another option for those who want the domestic discipline dynamic right away, or want to ensure that at least their partner agrees with domestic discipline before they get too deep into the relationship.

There are several websites out there that are “spanking personals.” Although we’ve heard these sites can be pretty “hit or miss” in terms of who is looking for domestic discipline vs. BDSM, Master/slave, and all sorts of “kink” dynamics, we have still heard of some people having success on sites such as spanko.com and spankingneeds.com. Personally, we would recommend a site that is not spanking-based (as we don’t believe domestic discipline is a “spanking only relationship”). There is a domestic discipline personals site as well as a personals section of the LDD Forums that may be good places to look to avoid getting those solely interested in domestic discipline as a “spanking” or “kink” relationship. You could also Google domestic discipline personals as we’re sure there are numerous other sites that come up which you may find helpful.

So, if you’re looking to go the online route, there are several different options (which we listed above) that you have. But, if you’re looking to meet someone first (in a more traditional way) and then bring up domestic discipline later, where do you start?

How to Bring up Domestic Discipline Once You Find a Partner

Let’s say you meet someone, and things are going great. At what point should you bring up the topic of domestic discipline? This is another commonly asked question and one that really varies from person to person. The short answer is to bring it up whenever you feel most comfortable. It may sound cliche, but it’s true. As a general tip though, we like to say that when you feel like your relationship has those key foundations that are needed to make domestic discipline work (such as trust, honesty, and others), then that’s a good time to bring up domestic discipline for the first time.

Easier said than done though, right? If you’re like most people, the thought of bringing up domestic discipline to your partner (especially one that you are just beginning a relationship with) can be scary. You don’t want your partner to think of you as “weird”, or immediately have negative thoughts about dating you all together. These feelings are completely normal, and almost everyone goes through this whether they’re attempting to bring domestic discipline to their partner of 10 years, or bringing it up to their partner of 10 days.

We have several posts on Learning Domestic Discipline that reference talking to your partner about domestic discipline. They are geared toward couples who are already established, where one partner wants to begin incorporating domestic discipline into their relationship and needs some help getting the other partner on board. However, they can easily be modified to be geared towards couples who are just beginning their relationship, as well as those who are single and just want to be prepared for when they do find someone.

• Getting the Husband On Board with Domestic Discipline
• How to Convince Your Spouse to Try Domestic Discipline Part 1
• How to Convince Your Spouse to Try Domestic Discipline Part 2
• How to Convince Your Spouse to Try Domestic Discipline Part 3

As we said earlier, these posts were written for couples who want to bring domestic discipline up to their partner, but all of the information within them can be used (and slightly modified) to help you bring up domestic discipline to someone you are considering dating.

Our Tips for Singles Wanting to Find a Domestic Discipline Relationship

Below are a few tips from us for those who are single and wanting a domestic discipline relationship.

Tip #1: Build Your Relationship First

We’ve said it before (many times) but we’ll say it again- we think it’s extremely important to build a relationship (or, even a friendship) first before incorporating domestic discipline. Get to know each other, and build those key relationship foundation components first. Things like trust are extremely important in domestic discipline, and it’s important that it is already established.

Tip #2: Take it Slow

Taking it slow is way easier said than done, but we feel it’s important to ease into both finding a domestic discipline partner, as well as beginning domestic discipline. There’s no rush! Take your time and find someone that you really feel committed to, as well as someone who you could envision practicing domestic discipline with. So, if you are looking for an HOH, finding someone who you think would be a good enforcer of the rules, a good leader, is fair, etc. are important qualities. If you’re looking for a submissive partner, finding someone who is naturally submissive, respects you, etc. are qualities you may want to look for as well. Just take your time to find someone with the qualities that you want both in a partner, as well as in a domestic discipline relationship. Probe into how they envision a long term relationship operating, and if they hint at the same traditional views that you may have, they may be more open to the idea of domestic discipline when it’s presented to them.

Tip #3: Be Safe

If you’re choosing to use the internet to find someone, be safe! The internet can be really dangerous, as we’re sure you’re aware. Use common sense when meeting someone online. Always meet in a public place, and always let someone (a friend, family member, co-worker, etc.) know where you are. Also, if you’re using a domestic discipline personals site or a spanking-based personals site, we recommend being wary of those who are anxious to spank you, or who have drastically different domestic discipline beliefs than you do. As we said in tip #2, just take it slow.

The bottom line is domestic discipline is a relationship dynamic with a lot of benefits. However, it’s also a relationship dynamic that can be very difficult to find, especially for those who won’t settle for anything less than having it as a part of their future relationships. But, there are plenty of people out there who believe in, and want, domestic discipline- you just have to find them! Take your time, and know exactly what it is you want, as well as what you’re willing to compromise on.

We wish you the best of luck!

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