One of the most important components to the entire punishment process is the comforting between partners/spouses after a punishment has been administered. It’s in these moments that the emotional connection between partners/spouses is magnified, strengthened and enhanced, which, for many couples, is a main reason why (if not the primary reason why) they choose to live the domestic discipline lifestyle.
The moments just after a punishment are very vulnerable moments for both individuals in the relationship, particularly if the punishment happened to be a spanking. It’s important this comforting take place in some form after all punishments, however, not just spankings. Even something as simple as a hug and a kiss after corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, apology letters, etc. can help a couple to reconnect and strengthen that emotional bond between them.
Why is comforting after a punishment so important?
In addition to the emotional connection between the couple being strengthened and enhanced, the comforting after a punishment also helps the wife feel forgiven, cared for, safe, protected, happy, and most importantly – loved. You don’t need me to tell you that those are all extremely important things in a marriage.
The comforting after a punishment also helps the wife to remain focused on the infraction. If no comforting takes place after the punishment, the wife may feel alone and/or abandoned by her husband (especially after a spanking), which may shift her focus to her feelings of resentment and/or emptiness rather than why she was punished in the first place. That obviously would not help in getting the behavior corrected long term, and it wouldn’t do any favors for the relationship, either.
For the HoH, there are two different perspectives to consider when it comes to the comforting after a punishment. On one hand, showing compassion helps the husband to feel as though he’s doing his “job” by protecting his wife and being there for her emotionally. He’s dependable, he’s reliable, he’s there in her time of need. He can be counted on. He can be trusted. He’s seeing things through to the end. That tends to make the husband feel good about himself, and tends to build his confidence (and the wife typically appreciates all of those things, too).
On the other hand, the comforting after the punishment can help the husband feel cared for and loved as well. Administering a punishment, particularly a spanking, can be an emotionally difficult thing for a husband to go through, just as it is for the wife. He may be the one that needs the reassurance, the reaffirmation, the support – which, when given by the wife, makes the husband feel loved, cared for, happy, and in some instances, relieved.
There are a lot of delicate emotions involved after a punishment, particularly after a spanking. It’s important both spouses are there for each other emotionally, offering reassurance, love, and support in those vulnerable moments.
If a husband were to comfort his wife after a punishment, wouldn’t that send the message to her that the mistake was okay?
Not necessarily. It’s pretty safe to say that most punished individuals already know that their mistake wasn’t “okay.” That’s why they got punished to begin with. Comforting after a punishment wouldn’t negate that.
If a husband does NOT comfort after a punishment, the wife may develop feelings of anger and/or resentment towards him, as briefly mentioned earlier. She may feel as though he doesn’t care about her, or the relationship, or the domestic discipline aspect of their relationship. She may feel alone and empty, or she may feel as though her husband isn’t working with her to achieve the common goals of the marriage. It could potentially lead to arguments, discontent in the home, turmoil in the relationship, etc. Nobody wants that (I hope).
Let me just put it this way – not comforting after the punishment could potentially be very disruptive to the relationship, and the home. That’s really the bottom line. It wouldn’t send the message that the mistake was okay.
What’s the best way to comfort after a punishment?
This depends a lot on the punishment, and the particular couple. For instance, after a corner time punishment, a brief hug and a kiss may satisfy both partners. Maybe after a bedroom time punishment, a couple prefers to cuddle up on the couch and just embrace for a while. Maybe after a spanking, a couple prefers to cuddle up and embrace on the bed, hugging, kissing, and gently rubbing each others arms and back. Whatever a couple chooses to do to show support and affection, it’s important it be done for the overall effectiveness of the punishment and the emotional health of the relationship.
It’s always a good idea to offer words of encouragement, contrition, and love in these moments as well. Saying things like, “You handled your punishment well. Thank you,” or “I love you sweetheart,” or “I’m sorry for my mistake. It won’t happen again,” etc. are always helpful in these moments.
It’s also recommended that the husband reiterate at some point during the comforting that the wife’s behavior was inappropriate, unacceptable, etc. He should briefly make it clear, one last time, that the behavior needs to stop/not happen again in the future, all while expressing himself calmly with genuine care and concern.
How long should the comforting last?
After a spanking, it’s recommended the comforting continue until the wife is completely composed/calmed down and able to conduct herself “normally” without any tears, sniffling, etc. That time frame may be five minutes or it may be an hour – it’ll differ for every couple, and it’ll depend heavily on the severity of the spanking.
For a non-physical punishment (corner time, bedroom time, writing lines, soap in the mouth, etc.), the comforting afterward is recommended to be fairly brief. In most instances these punishments require minimal comforting (in comparison to the comforting after a spanking), so it typically is only necessary for a minute or two. If the comforting lasts any longer than that, it may become a bit awkward. A meaningful hug, a gentle kiss, and a quick reminder from the HoH (or something similar to that) is sufficient in most non-physical punishment cases, which doesn’t take long at all.
In a domestic discipline relationship/marriage, it’s important not to underestimate the power of comforting after a punishment. The moment after a punishment, particularly after a spanking, is a very intimate moment between spouses, and a moment that “normal” relationships do not get to experience. It’s these moments that make a domestic discipline relationship/marriage so unique and so special. Embrace them, and take the time to make them great. Your relationship/marriage will thank you for it. 
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline
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